Fenham Christmas time

Coming back into the world today after Christmas festivities. Had Christmas day, Fenham style with Emma, Rog, Clara and Frenchie. Woke up, had hot chocolate and stockings in bed, with Clara. We had bought each other some of the same gifts, ginger chocolate, heather honey lip balm, socks and pukka tea. Morning continued with plenty of flowing prosecco and lots of presents. Stayed in my PJ's until gone 2 O clock. Bath with a lush bath bomb, new Christmas jumper from my Nana and new make up goodies from my Mum and Em.

By 3 we were all out on the Moor outside Emma's singing harmony's together, including 'the troubles of the world' then inside for a good bit of pre dinner dancing.

Christmas dinner was magnificent. Gorgeous huge, 20 pound turkey with all the trimmings, including sprouts with walnuts and chorizo! The day was gorgeous, filled with warmth and laughter, I did get a little heart string pull listening to Joseph and Izzy describe what they got for Christmas, and said love you on the phone. The mood of the day was very merry though, we decided we were merry and grateful, a glorious state to be.

Christmas night, my urge to see Jack, who was really poorly in bed got the better of me, I bounded over in Reindeer antlers, spilt red wine everywhere on arrival, then got enveloped in hugs, which coupled with such powerful sleepy energy meant I was very content to watch Narnia and be cosy.

The last 2 days I've watched 5 films, which is more than I've watched in the past 3 months. Jack and I have been in a bed land, complete with lots of chocolate. It has been needed hibernation and complete relaxation time for us both. We did go to a lovely fire at Em'd boxing day night with great chats and plenty of red wine and Stilton. Last night we got up for a take away curry before returning to another film.

Today I'm heading into town, seeing the very lovely Elena and generally enjoying the gift of time.

One of the best gifts I got was from Clara may and is a modern and very beautiful version of the Karma Sutra. I began reading it from my bed yesterday and an idea that I really like is that being in love is actually are natural state. The hight-end state of awareness, increased senses and happiness. I'm reflecting on what I would like from 2012 and a state of permanently being in love is definitely up there.

Hurray for love!

Sipping Scrumpy Jack waiting for Jack to go for a date, out for dinner, so thought I would seize the moment! Life feels like a million moments of beauty pouring over me, interspersed with chaos from school. Autumn is nearly dust, the coldness is creeping in with the darkness.. Totally up for embracing the cosy energy of house fires that brings.

I feel very suited to my job, the routine suites me perfectly and it means I don't really have to think past 4 o clock. The dynamics of the group are ever changing. My first boy is now an angel as the 2 newest cohort members push boundaries, run off in a big display of being escape artists and see just how horrible they need to be to get retrained, or so it seems. Luckily the hands off approach, unless the child is a danger to himself or others continuously surprises them!

The best thing about the approach of the Solstice is the sky! I have said before and will say again that the sky is my favourite place. The other morning I emerged a little sleepy eyed to hauntingly beautiful pink clouds, raising in swirls above me. Its enough just to be present and to really see.

Also loving the Frozen Planet at the moment. Amazing cinematography and a real sense of animals surviving against all the odds! I spoke to my lovely Mum just before. She will be home a week yesterday!

Last weekend was a wonderful insight into the world of my love. We danced all night to a Blues brothers tribute band and lots of old funk and soul tracks. Had two romantic car journeys, a trip down memory lane for him, all lovely!

Hurray for love in all its roller-coaster like emotions! I would happily embrace all the tears and heart ache that are possible, for the true joy which comes from falling in love with someone and the discovery of how there soul meets mine. There are no expectations, no obligations, just freedom to be all that we are and can possibly be.

Women's circle

November has begun! How did that happen! I am 2 days into my contract and feeling more committed to strategies and working out planning systems which will keep my boys happy.

The clocks went back at the weekend and so darkness and cosyness have seeped in. My morning sunrise walks to the bus stop and the incredible Autumn colours are keeping me bright and cheerful as are morning cups of tea and breakfast with the beautiful Jack.

I went to a powerful and hugely uplifting sacred women's circle for Samhain on Monday night, at the cabins in Ovingham. 11 women many of which had met for the first time that night, opened a circle in a small clearing in a beautiful clearing by the river. The night was calm, mild and magical, with an astonishing low hung waning moon. We had a beautiful fire, joined hands with the intention of opening up our hearts and the energy that was created was so clear and connected. I still feel like I'm in a raised state of conciousness. Not in some hippy way but in a tangible helpful way. In each moment that I am present the beauty of the world reveals itself to me more fully.

One of the ladies at the circle put it into words beautifully, its a sense I've had about 6 years ago when I spent long times in my past family home garden at Marden House, praying and meditating- it is possible to be in love with the world. To be truly in the present and in my heart a love affair is offered. Where ever you are, what ever you feel, the beauty of the world, the symmertry and synchronicity beckons you to be filled with love and joy.

Threes and nines

Its the beginning of the half term holidays, I felt almost dizzy with excitement yesterday! Today I'm a little sleepy from playing out and drinking cocktails with Jenny, Emma and Kat until I was all danced out and truly tired to the bones of my feet, I woke up early, am sleepy in a warm, tea in bed fashion and feel very content to have 9 days of freedom.

I found out last week that I have a fixed term contract at work for a year. I now have a class of 3. 3 bright and lovely boys. The difference is amazing! I have discovered strategies are a lot more effective with 3, and when its lovely which it has been a lot this week its a great job, feel very jammy.

Today is 3 calender months since Jack and I first decided to start seeing each other. Time is so conceptual, in some ways it feels a lot longer. Its been strange for me with this blog, being in the early stages of falling for someone makes me feel like I best keep my cards close to my chest.

I live my life in the present as much as possible as I've discovered it makes me the happiest. The great thing is that more than ever before I am less concerned about the destination of this relationship. The journey so far has been a lot of open hearted fun. Lots of big honest chats, with a good amount of challenge and respect and support of each other. Its a funny thing to suggest but I feel more myself in this relationship. More joyful and open, I talk to strangers more often, this is a quality I really appreciate in Jack and I feel like I have a lot to give. I guess I'm in a good place work wise too and my new house is soulful. There is a beautiful sense of communal living in that we all want to contribute and have a real delight when we see each other. We had it in 130 too its just that there was a fair measure of chaos too fuelling the fire!

Right now I'm going to get more tea and have a bath. Then I'm heading off to Hexham to see my beautiful niece for her birthday, she was 5 on Thursday. It looks like a crisp, fresh autumn day. I saw the new moon peeking out of the bathroom window this morning. There is every reason to think it will be a beautiful day.

Wedding carriages in October

Life has been a whirl wind of work and play and not much time to contemplate. I can only really relate what feels like the immediate, which was the wedding of my beautiful friend Sophie last Saturday. Charlotte and I were bridesmaids, so we rocked up about 9 am, ready (bar lipstick) and filled with nerves and excitement, to a very serene Sophie, completely un -fazed!

Char spent about an hour tonguing Sophie's hair, until she had a halo of perfect ringlets. On the announcement that it was time to leave, we still needed to button Sophie into her blue silk dress, over 30 twiddly Victorian buttons, but the effect was stunning.

The day was drizzly, a typical Autumn day in Northumberland but it did't matter, the service was simple and beautiful and the best part of the day was the convoy of Gypsy caravans that went up to Sophie and Saul's house. I got to sit in a wagon looking out on lush green, snuggling a very gorgeous Madog, Barny's new extremely beautiful son.

We had a delicious meal in David's garden in one of Oran's tent and slowly got merry. I got to catch up with Justine after a long summer of her being on the road. The atmosphere was palpably relaxed and easy going. Very in tune with the character of both Saul and Soph.

There was a lull about 5 o clock, kids got tired as did us. So I had coffee and a snuggle with Izzy.

There was a in flux of new blood for the evening including the lovely Jack. The night was filled with chats, much food and dancing by a roaring fire in the woods. I DJ'd which was trickier than I imagined in some ways. All fun though, as soon as I turned my back to get a drink Charlotte changed the track, to one she proffered!

There was a unexpected good turn of fortune, in that Stu was there with his new lady, who I know and like very much and we all had a lovely time together. So happy and relived to be able to be friends with Stu and for it all to be comfortable again. Another highlight was the unbuttoning of Sophie's dress! I got back to the woods from a bus mission a realised Sophie had left! Knowing that Saul would find it impossible to unbutton Sophie, I rushed over and had a lovely cosy post wedding chat with the tired but very happy newly weds.

Simon, Justine and I were the last standing or sitting by the fire at 5 am. It was so mild and beautiful by the point. Then I tried to sleep in a room full of snoring folk! I was pretty broken the next day, but the happiness from the day before and taking it all very slowly carried me.

Work this week has been a mixed bag as always, but today sees a seed of new hope. I have doubled my cohort to 2 and the first boy I had has responded amazingly! There have been times when he has certainly tried to be the boss, but new boy has stood up for himself in a friendly way and has the height advantage.

It was so lovely watching them interact and play and have banter. I know there will be tough times but I sincerely hope this turns things around a little after 4 challenging weeks! We all need friends and I have empathised with my initial pupil as it must be a strange thing to think the consequences of your behaviour have led you to a place where there are no other children your age to interact with. Also positively a contract has been seriously discussed. I have noticed my commitment to get on paper work has increased since that message was relayed.

I feel like I'm finding my rhythm in the house. Went to Yoga eventually on Monday and slept so soundly it was unreal, so that's a good sign that exercise and me time is the way to go.

Now off to John's for a few hours, it must be time to move as even though I'm under my covers there's an October chill in the air.

Autumn skies

The Autumn skies have been filled with billowing pink clouds and sunshine that threatens to change into showers at any given moment! All is busy in a wonderful way. House filled with friends a lot but also times like tonight when there is a lull.

I haven't managed to motivate myself to run, but I got into a wonderful book I first read when I was 20 called 'By the river Pierdra I sat down and wept' by Paulo Coelho. It is a story about the surrender of love. Written beautifully, so each night I have a good couple of chapters of that and have decided that if I wake up with my head full at 4 or 5 I will turn the light on and read. So far, although I don't want to tempt fate I've only woken briefly, this morning it was to a text message to say that my dear friend Ellie's labour had began. Her son was born at 12.23 today, wonderful news.

Work by its nature with my pupil being so complex in his needs, has been challenging. There was a fire alarm today, and kick off began around 10 because he refused to leave the class and had to be carried out kicking and screaming.

I am being fair and firm to trying my best to establish the boundaries he is so in need of and has never had. Its a hard road. The support of the staff and the small steps he is making have to be reward enough at the moment. Soon we will have two new referrals and although I think that will be difficult initially I really think it will help enormously with the balance of my sole pupil wanting to be in control. Also it will give him peers and hopefully even friends a real human need.

Tonight our house is going for a late dinner to 99. Sydney grove is filled with beautiful people and this house is particularly dear to my heart, with Paddy and Laurence living there, both of which I have lived with before and 3 wonderful girls.

Tomorrow I also hope to firm up the arrangements for Sophie's hen! Excited for her wedding day and being a bridesmaid with my beautiful sister. Matching dresses ahoy!

Sweet enjoyment.

This morning is the first in a little while that I've taken to tea and time to muse in bed. Last night Jack and I had a lovely evening, a good bit of quality time, Tapas, Sangria, and a quick turn around and single drink at Bar Kolo. I was very happy and content to be in bed by 12 as I am shattered from a heavy week with my boy at work. At around 3 am I got woke up by an insistent almost eerie ringing of the doorbell. I almost didn't answer it in case it was a mad man! It wasn't of course a friend of friends had lost our house crowd or been abandoned and was very apologetic as I let him in. I climbed back into bed and spent the next at least 3 hours trying to sleep. There has definitely been a pattern of this the past 5 weeks or so since I began falling. Its excitement and excess energy and doubt and worry and wonder and restlessness all rolled into one. I am pretty good at enjoying it. You have to really don't you. I like the moments best when I have snuggled in to a comfortable position and can feel the nearness of sleep but my mind is so intent on the symphony of feelings swirling around my head, sometimes a phrase, a look, a feeling. Its like my senses have been wildly driven to excess and I need several hours in the dark of night to come down from them.

I think I will take up running or something which will shatter me physically and push enough endorphins to my brain to help it switch off!

School has been stressful, I nearly wrote earlier in the week but felt almost like it might be inappropriate, perhaps because the level of disruption and the real anger my student it experiencing is challenging me to question my approach at every turn. Its a steep learning curve.Luckily I am very supported at work and although its gradual I can see small steps of progress most days.

My new house is great. So warm and friendly. A sanctuary of loveliness, we had a beautiful evening in with Mike and Jemma on Wednesday, team effort of making delicious pie. It was lovely to catch up with them again after the impromptu plumb jam making party at the weekend, lots of kitchen dancing and kissing each other in giddy excitement! Wednesday was all about a roaring fire, I demanded we all had boots kicked off and we happily ate the first apple and raspberry crumble of the season.

It feels like Autumn today, and all the leaves are turning orange on the Rowan tree the dawn chorus is getting later. So more tea for me,a call or two a beauty engagement with the lovely Jenny , then of to Hexham to catch up with my sister and a special visit to see the wonderful new arrival of baby Oscar!! Ah can't wait! There is nothing quite like the sweetness and new joyful energy of a new born.

The guest house

Today I will put away my most Summery dresses. I have a beautiful wicker chest with an ornate fastening clasp that my Mum got from an auction, which is perfect for the job. The beginning of Autumn is such a pretty time to be in my heart. I love the moody, overcast skies at sunset and the gentle falling of leaves.

My driving lesson went well yesterday, I'm getting the hang of the controls. Another lesson today so hopefully ideas will be starting to wire up in my mind. I do end up feeling quite seriously tired though. I obviously haven't concentrated that much for a while!

I did a good clean of the house also yesterday, whilst making Jack a mix tape for his van. It felt very 90's and was a good excuse to revisit and listen to a lot of old music. My house hold have been mostly at the land in Durham. Where Jack is building a roof for a third floor straw bale house. Its been cold on nights without there sunny presence.

Last night I went to Clara and John's down the road for a Chinese take away. Emma came over and it was just like old times, including the little sisterly misunderstandings of language that peppered our communication. We feasted then all got into Clara's bed in her new beautiful red room for a catch up.

A funny thing happened yesterday as I was musing over music. This lady watched me as she walked around my house, I smiled and she summoned me to the door. Then she stood and pleaded with me for money in another language. Even though I didn't know what she was saying it was easy to get the gist. I made the spur of the moment decision to apologise and be kind but to say no. She may of been in trouble, but there was something in the way she summoned me to her door that made me feel a little protective.

It did make me think about a particular Rumi poem at Earthing the spirit about welcoming people in.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival

A joy a depression, a meanness

Some momentary awareness

Comes as an unexpected visitor

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows

Who violently sweep your house of it's furniture.

Still, treat each guest honourably,

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight

The dark thought, the shame,

The malice, meet them all at the

door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes

Because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

I have always had a problem with not giving to people begging as if I may be denying God. I slowly stopped this thought as it wasn't inspired by love, but more out of sadness. Its interesting to read this poem again as I realise its a lot to do with the self. Welcoming all aspects of the self, to clear out and make way for 'some new delight.'

I do think that people and relationships are often mirrors. That means I'm more selective wrongly or rightly of who I welcome in. I wont be unkind to someone, but giving money doesn't feel like giving in a whole way. I'd rather offer my time, it means more.

Answered prayers

The month of August seems to have flown by in a flurry of house moving, romance and time spent connecting with family and friends.

This morning I am having an hour to take stock before my driving lesson. It took me a while to wake up this morning, after speaking to one of my best friends El about her pregnancy and birth before sleeping, I dreamt of giving birth in water to twins! In my dream is was all very heightened,beautiful and idealistic. I had to remind myself that that the reality is a lot tougher! I've got 2 baby blessings of close friends this week, and two that I'm helping to organise so I'll put that at the core!

I've just returned from visiting my Nana in hospital. So my subconscious is contemplating the mysterious journey of birth and death. It was lovely for my Mum and I to have some quality time to catch up on the journeys and very right and mind easing to have the opportunity to visit. I felt like we helped to lift and lighten spirits. After my Nana Ivy's quick decline, there was a real sense of panic before seeing my Nana, but I was comforted to find her completely herself and wanting to know the in's and out's of how everything came about with Jack. I love the questions asked by loved ones to investigate the worthiness of a potential partner. My Nana's hope that this will be the right person, and that God has answered her prayer for me to have met the right person. It makes me realise where I have come from. Relationships have always been up there as one of my favourite subjects to muse, wonder and master.

My sister, Paul and the kids were up too, on route to centre parks. We had a lovely, drunken night with my Dad. Joseph and Izzy were so excited. I tried setting them off on runs to burn off some of there excess excitement but to no avail!

We played the drinking game with my Dad and Max when we got home. My Dad reminds me of Charlotte and I in his over eagerness. Ha! We had no chance but to be blunt and loud!

This week is the last of the summer holidays! Time to get the house spick and span and get plenty of singing in at the allotment before work starts up!

Sneaky sunshine and snoozes

I'm fighting off having a cold with lemons and afternoon snoozes, sunshine, laughter, garlic and spices. Have had a lovely couple of days, mostly connecting to friends. Jenny came over Wednesday evening, we drank white wine, ate amazing food cooked by Beattie and even played my all time favourite game 'in the manner of the word!' Yesterday I took some time out for reading and tea in bed. Reading a book on 'Dark Mountain' interesting concepts of life and death and uncivilisation. Then lay in a sunny spot in the allotment for a couple of hours.

I also had my first driving lesson yesterday. My word I felt a bit like an Octopus! Its amazing that all that multi tasking becomes automatic, like riding a bike, not that I can ride one very successfully. Think I shall tackle that one with the help of new and very lovely house mate Emma. Would be good to get myself more road aware if nothing else. Going to help out with Alley cats bike treasure hunt tomorrow for a bit of inspiration.

Also met the incredibly beautiful two week old Wren son of Jo and Freddy. Ah. He is perfect and makes the sweetest snuffly noises. My womb was doing some good yearning flips! Fell asleep in a pretty dreamy future state. The present is great though. An exciting time teeming with possibilities but without expectations.

So tonight brings together some more wonderful women for a shared dinner and a couple of glasses of fine wine. I'm going to give the Pub a miss and get myself an early night to save myself from getting this cold. 2 weeks of burning the candle at both ends. My body clock is still set at 7am over 3 weeks after breaking up from school! So I best obey it. I do love mornings and late at night for open alert head space.

Beach and lunch with more friends tomorrow and the return of beautiful Clara May!

Full power

I'm in the process of landing from a very rainy but incredibly blissful week at Earthing the spirit! Prior to going I had been rushing around a lot moving house and as soon as I got there I felt a deep sense of slowing down from the huge majestic trees and rolling hills of the landscape. Many welcoming and familiar faces also meant a sense of coming home.

After the first day of reconnecting I went to my Uncle's wedding, a very beautiful small affair, set in an art Deco building of perfect proportions. I am always slightly astounded by the connections, fun and love in my family. I had so much fun smoking with my cousins on the patio. I swapped places to sit next to my cousin Jon as Kelly his wife was unable to attend and had a full catch up on where we were at, then as soon as the music begun, I danced all night. We kept coming together in family circles, all holding hands, feeling connected and singing our hearts at to one another.

I arrived at Earthing Monday afternoon, sleepy and really grateful to have a week off drinking! The feeling of support and warmth at the festival is a very special creation. Everyone who attends has interesting ideas and is very open to speaking about where they are in life. The morning and afternoon devotionals, are pure heart space. I've struggled with them in the past, but this time really felt the unity they promote and felt really supported to really sing from a deep place. I also attended a very interesting course based on NLP and EFT, which was very powerful in releasing unwanted patterns of behaviour.

There were big fires, a lot of dancing in fields, to live bands and in the kitchen to my i pod. We had an incredible sports day event. Including 5 legged races, spoon and vegetable races, a fancy dress race and numerous tugs of war. I also felt like I got to know and to reconnect with some very inspiring friends. Very open hearted chats and real sharing of creativity and journeys.

I felt really able to be in my heart. An empowering and beautiful place to be.

On returning Jack and I took a detour to some friends land in County Durham who are living the dream. They were celebrating 10 years of being there. The party was really lovely. Huge fire, dancing to fiddle music and singing songs with some quirky Canadians 'the devils claw' song being the most amazing!

On the way to bed in half light, we went to see the straw bale houses that are being built there. They are both incredible examples of craftsmanship and in the new dawn the new house in particular looked like a mystical fairytale dream house.

My aim now is to carry this open hearted joy into the rest of my holidays. To take time to deeply connect, to sing, dance and be and keep myself in full power!

Candles and hot air

Its so hot, it feels like the sticky clammy. tropical hotness you get on a holiday abroad and it's 20 to 11 at night! I shouldn't complain its so good to have time to potter and be in my new space.

I moved in Sunday night. Claimed my space and made my room all beautiful yesterday. I really enjoyed it, creatively finding a home for my treasures and making my room homely. I misplaced a couple of special belongings in the move, my beautiful blue art Deco lamp and my ukulele? Hopefully they will be found amongst the things that went to Hexham, or maybe they are in the Victorian chest which is the only place I haven't yet unpacked. My Mum came over and brought sandwiches and a picture hanging kit along with extra candles and moral support. She did the glorious Mum thing of wiping down all my surfaces, and helped me to hold Indian wall hangings long enough for me to draw them into the very sturdy walls with drawing pins.

151 is a busy house, filled with many things, my new house mates are all really lovely.

Today I woke up and had my favourite kind of pottering morning, then walked into town to have coffee with lovely Katie Sutton and do some bits and pieces of shopping, namely present buying for Willow and Grace. It was hard to choose a puppet for Willow, who is going to be 8 but I decided on a Mr Foxy who has a cheeky glare.

This afternoon I pottered back, came home to tea with house mates and more chats, then on to Jo's this morning who is a few days off her due date for a meal with Jo's closest female friends and a time to be together and bless the babe.

We all gave Jo a bead to wear at her birth. I choose a fertility shell and turquoise and mother of pearl. There was a thread of blue and different sizes. We all wrote a prediction, a piece of advice and a promise to Jo in a book and sang 'Belle Mamma.' It was a really affirming night and a lovely space to support Jo in her own power.

Early night tonight, I'm sat in candle light, Bridesmaids shopping tomorrow for the gorgeous Sophie bright and early in the Metro-centre then hopefully some sunshine at the allotment.

Sun kissed and nettle stung.

Today is about catching up with myself, catching up with thoughts in bed with tea and toast, quickly moving to domestic house duties, important phone calls and organising packing. Then this afternoon Lyd, very close and beautiful friend (who is back from Australia) is coming round, I'm very excited to catch up with her. There have been lots of changes in both our lives, I think I might suggest we go for a late lunch as its pretty cold and overcast today and my house with its boxes and original bland pictures of flowers in vases feels less and less like home.

Emma and Clara, have moved out in every way bar their belongings. They will be on their way to Greece today! Its the end of a short era but in some ways a deepening of friendships. We all about to live within 5 minutes of each other, even closer for Emma and I. My personal community of Fenham is expanding by living in 151 and the near arrival of new and wonderful neighbours.

On Sunday after tackling my cupboard of doom, I went to meet a new friend at the allotment. It was surprisingly sunny and we had a really magical time. Openness, warmth, and nettle stings followed by a surprise visit from Zora and Tallulah, which included watering sunflowers with and finding grasshoppers! This was followed by an afternoon of sipping Cider in the sunshine at the Cumberland with lots of beautiful friends and lots of fun dancing to a really amazing Turkish band. After deliberating about leaving the Cumberland and dancing about at the stones below, we went home and Clara and I had a silent disco with my i pod, which although their was only 2 of us was hard to beat due to sheer energy and choice of tunes.

I didn't sleep much on Sunday night. Too much excitement and open hearted fun. Yesterday was spent mostly in bed and an early night sees me at 90% recovery.

Tonight I am seeing another original Hexham school friend Becky and her beautiful children who live in France. So all lovely! Now best go and get on with my washing.

Endings and beginnings..

First day of the summer holidays. The last two days have been amazing. Thursday we took my little lad to Whitehouse farm, to feed all the goats and the Merekat's. I got to cuddle one it was a bit like a cat, prefering its tummy to be tickled, purring and had great eyes that blinked from the sides. We were lucky with the weather and he happily played at a slight distance all day, looking back every 5 minutes or so to check that we all had our eyes on him.

At one stage he wanted to go in to the barn to pick up some feed that other people had dropped. I commented that I hoped the Goats wouldn't eat my hair and he said they wont as they hadn't tried his although mine was probably a lot more yummier!

Thursday night was almost a last night of our house before we all move on and out of 225. Emma had been drinking champagne since 1 ish, so after a fat curry, we began on the house drink of Scrumpy Jack and played shit head, which I have recently re-found from playing at school. (we call it stupid-head!) I think I got drunk fast from being tired and Emma's vibes. We had a few dancing interludes. At one stage I pulled the sunshine paper chain down, so we had a ready made rope to limber under!

Clara came back from working late and amongst playing cards we all sang, lots of songs which will always remind me of the house, especially Laura Marling which Clara, Emma and I all sang to each other with smiling eyes. John and I also had a rave out moment to 'Voodoo people.'

I tried to go to bed early, but changed my mind and made an executive decision to stay awake until everyone went to bed. Great thing was I was carried by the happiness and togetherness of the previous night and woke up with happiness over ridding the tired feeling.

Yesterday at work, could of been tricky as the boy I'm teaching was going straight into respite from Forster care. I made sure we were out as he is generally a lot more engaged and so better behaved. We went to Byker pool and Macdonalds and he was happy and tired out by diving under the water to find a dive buddy for over an hour. I bought him a ball that lights up and is full of glitter,as a parting gift, it looks a bit like a universe! He left happy and I was so glad to leave for 6 weeks on a positive vibe.

After work a few of the staff got together for drinks. I got lots of praise which was really supportive and hugs from my boss, the lovely mum to all Alice and one of the key social workers. I drank 4 pints of cider rather too fast and floated off into town to have dinner with Laura before she jets off to Thailand.

Then came home to sober up and ended up having really good chats with Clara and Anna, about friendships, self awareness, psycho analysis and Freud! Today I feel quite spacey from lack of sleep. The good news is the sun is out and I know I have some time to get caught up. Emma and Clara are leaving Monday for Greece, so the house in in chaos for moving. I'm slowly sorting out my stuff. I know that by the time I pack I will be unattached to the house, but it has been a really lovely home. I hope I feel the same in my new home. I think I will but it always takes a bit of transition time.

Jenny and Chris' engagement party in Corbridge tonight. So happy for Jenny and will be lovely to celebrate their love.I hope the sunshine will stick around and excited I get to see Becky and her beautiful children Jay, Ruby and baby Rowane! Also Lyd is back from Australia so will be really joyful to get to spend some time with two of my first friends in Hexham. :)

Deserving of my own love and affection

Tonight I had a good dose of being by myself and really enjoyed how much ligher my mind feels. I missed my bus stop on the way back from work as I was engrossed in a horoscope book that came free with a magazine. I got off in town with my music blasting and the sun shinning and went to a Cafe for a large Americano. Then I got home and went with lovely friends for a couple of hours at the allotment. Late sun and picturesque clouds. I had amazing dinner made by John, then pottered upstairs and started rearranging a frame I've got of cards that I particularly love, from people I love. I had to go through a deep box of cards and letters to make sure I had what I wanted. It still has old faithful-ls and a couple of new ones from my 30th birthday.

I really love cards, both giving and receiving. It often takes me a long time to choose one for a birthday, and often I have to write them instantly when I get home. I really love post and I love cards at Christmas and my birthday more than or certainly as much as presents.

I also had a five minute meeting with Mairead down my street. Which was really lovely even though it was fleeting. We both walked a good 12 meters with big smiles beaming from our faces.

This afternoon I went bowling with the boy I teach, it was really positive to go out with him and for each of us to relate to each other in a different context.

I did affirmations to help me knock down pins. I affirmed what I wanted to enfold and if I believed it strongly enough I knocked them down. I got a strike for a baby girl which although I would be happy to have children of either sex I have affirmed since being about 6 or even younger and played with dolls constantly.

The past couple of days I have be Re- affirming an important message which is on a card in the frame I rearranged tonight,( from my lovely friend El ) which says ' You as much as anyone else in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.'

This belief is one I have thought about and made promises to embodied in different forms for years. I have numerous books which begin with an affirmation to take better care of my self, physically, spiritually. To in all ways be mindful of giving myself time to honour where I am and be OK with what is. Most of us know instinctually the things that help us to feel strong and to see beauty, for me a big thing is to simply be in nature. Why is it so often a struggle to make time?

I think the answer lies in our inherent belief system that we don't deserve to be happy, we don't feel fully deserving of our love and affection.

I watched an interesting TED talk on Saturday morning and this guy talked about doing 30 day challenges for your own growth. To decide on habits or ways of living that you'd like to have in your life and commit to doing them for 30 days. I've also noticed recently old habits I seem to have lost. Things I neglect to do in a relationship. I'm going to attempt to massage my feet for at least 5 minutes every day. My body always appreciates it and although I would love to do Yoga every day or meditate I have tried to manifest those many times and my discipline or my belief isn't quite there just yet.

Only a memory away.

Today my immediate family and I will travel down to Manchester to go to my Nana Ivy's funeral. I'm am saying something at the church and the process of writing and remembering the huge impact she had on my childhood has been really humbling. I hope that I can be strong while I read it and that it will be a small comfort to my Dad to see how loved she was by us. In a way it feels like a focus, it will be sad to say goodbye but the kindness and selflessness my Nana demonstrated will live on in our hearts.

Last night I went for a beautiful meal cooked by my sisters fair hands. My Mum and Bernard picked me up from town and it was good to have a really chilled night. My Mum had bought Joseph and Izzy new scooters and their faces light up all happy when they saw me. I was having a good chat to my Mum and we both got fully embraced by my sister. It was a lovely connected moment.

Had a lovely chat to my dear friend El. We have a deep understanding and total mutual acceptance and respect for how each other feels and lives and I never fail to feel totally uplifted when we speak to each other.

The rest of this week, back to work tomorrow, hopefully allotment Thursday. Then I am home in Hexham again Friday to have a catch up with Jenny and get ready for a big family do. My Nana and Grandad's 60th Diamond wedding anniversary party. So big contrasts. Always great to see all my cousins though and the new generation which is emerging...

Dancing and skies

After a bit of a low energy, rainy Saturday the sky turned a very ominous shade of black at about 6.30 I was meeting Elena off the bus and she was running fast towards me looking at the almost cartoon like daunting sky, the heavens opened and made way for clear sky's a beautiful half moon and a really needed brilliant night with my house, Matt soon to be my neighbour again, and lots of beautiful Fenham folk.

We were at the Tanners and the Star and Shadow supporting a free Tibet night that Tenzin had put on. My house has been a hive of activity as Emma was busily making lots of prayer flags for the décor on Friday night. My cutting and craft skills weren't up to helping after a busy week 2 glasses of Rose with a old work college went straight to my head. The night was a real example of what like minded people can create when they share their strengths. Highlights included dancing with Elena and playing a funny game of table football in which I was awful but passionate. Also lots of chatting with so many lovely friends. I'm happy to be staying in Fenham!

Sunday was equally glorious. I didn't have that much sleep but luckily the sunshine was out in force. I had a really good catch up with Matt who is back after 2 years in China, then headed to the Cumberland for afternoon Pimms drinking, danced lots to the Bagdaddies who never fail to put a smile on my face, then headed to Emma's allotment to lay around in long grass and cloud watch. We even got some collective cuddles happening, I definitely need cuddles for my emotional and mental well being. So it was a perfect ending to a beautiful and really social weekend. Excited for lazy allotment days in the summer holidays.

Today after talking about how much I'm enjoying my job. I had a demanding day, lots of kick off's triggers unknown. I am learning a lot though , and I appreciate my own time so much more. Roast dinner today, to make up for missing out yesterday, followed by Yoga with the amazing Jambo.

Recipe for broken hearts

Recipe for a broken heart.

Walk around in beauty.

Look far into the sky often.

Listen for the birds and watch swallows swooping.

Find some flowers and sunshine, breath deeply into your soul and allow peace to fill you up.

Drink lots of tea with good friends that understand you well.

Buy some expensive chocolates, champagne truffles work well.

Have one a night as a moment of unadulterated pleasure.

Take a walk by the sea and observe how the sea never fails to kiss the shore.

Feel all of your love and allow it to spill out into the world.

See the awe and wonder in the trees.

Allow the wind to blow through your ears and listen to the song of the breeze.

Be quick to smile at children.

See the small moments of joy and notice syncronicitity.

Listen to music that helps your heart soar.

Watch as the world opens up and trust that you will grow.

Nana Ivy.

4th of July, I've just found out that my dear Nana Ivy has passed away. I know there will be so many tears shed from me and my family for the loss of her kindness and presence in our lives but right now I feel a sense of total love and appreciation for all the tireless and unconditional love she has given to me.

From being a little girl of around 3 and a half my Mum went back to work 3 days and my Nana has always been there. She picked up my sister and I everyday from school for 6 years, come rain or shine. I will remember her as an example of perfect patience. She would wait as long as it took us to get home from school and even bought a double pram for us when we were 4 and 5, and much too big to push us home. We were always greeted with a smile great warmth and a magical bag full of sweets. My Nana taught my sister and I not to be late. (We were always a good 10 minutes early for the bus) A habit we have both carried through our lives. The first question we were greeted with was what we would like for tea. My sister was vegetarian from age 6 so she made us separate meals. My sister and I had times of being quite cheeky, we used to put grapes on her seat. We had whole summers of particular films like Annie or Greece every day and hen it had finished we in variably said we wanted it on again! My Nana didn't mind. She never got cross for more than a moment and always had a good laugh at our childish antics. Nana Ivy thought of her family before herself and was such an example of selflessness.

My Nana lived for her family, for her 5 children, 10 grandchildren and 8 great grandchildren. Never missing a birthday and giving each of us the things children need the most to be nurtured. Time and love.

I can see my Nana smiling and rushing around to make sure everyone is fed. I saw my Nana for the last time yesterday, surrounded by so many of my extended family. I hope she is with my Granddad, who passed away almost 8 years ago to the day on the 5th July. A gentle, wonderful man who was was funny and generous to everyone he met. My life has been so much richer for having these 2 most lovely Grandparents in it and now they are at peace.

New house in the street of tumbling blossom.

After talking about being an early morning person last night, I woke up at 5.20 really hot and wide awake. I putting it down to 6 hours being enough in the summer and excitement as last night I went for a meal at 151 Sydney and am moving in, in August! It is a very beautiful house with a big history similar to 130 right next to Nunsmoor park. My new house mates made me feel totally welcome last night. We had a lovely meal around glass fronted table with farm animals inside it. Emma who I have only met a couple of times previously gave me a run down of the organisation of the house. Everyone was really open and honest and I got a really good feeling about it which is what I was hoping and waiting for.

Last night I was mentally working out my pictures to be hung on the wall and all the things I would feel essential to take with me. I can't have my bed for 6 months but I think the things I can't take can be stored effectively in the attic room at my Folks. A perfect end to a lovely weekend.

Saturday I got my hair cut for the first time in months and went to a baby shower. I've never been to one before and it was really well organised and lovely. We all arrived to bubbles and amazing olives and nibbles. Everyone had a go at designing a baby grow, with fabric pens which was fun. Jenny gave everyone 15 minute seated Shiatsu treatments and we chatted to Kate and all wrote in a beautiful book a piece of advice, a promise and a prediction of due date, sex and weight of the baby. Cake was coupled with presents and the theme was favourite childhood book and/or beauty product for Kate which felt easy to participate in and really nurturing and supportive of Kate. It made me feel I would love to have something similar if I was pregnant for the experience of having the strongest women in my life surrounding me before giving birth. I promised to make Kate a big Tupperware of chilli to freeze so that's tomorrow nights agenda, I'll have to cook some for my house simultaneously to check it tastes good!

Comedy club in Hexham with my Dad and sister Saturday night. Was really fun and we definitely made ourselves known and joined in the banter. The headlining act spoke about the pursuit of happiness and was really good off the cuff and my Dad fell asleep during the last half an hour which was classic.

Yesterday was a morning playing with Joseph and Izzy they are getting cute little Hexham accents and were full of mischief and love. Had a good catch up with my Mamma bear then met lovely Laura for a couple of hours catch up in hot and steamy town. Had an amazing Mocha frappé could seriously get into those!

So I best get my ass in the shower. Presentation day on Friday at school so lots to do. Going for the being on it tactic this week! Hopefully Yoga tonight, Natasha for dinner Tuesday, swimming on Wednesday, cinema Thursday! :)

Switch off button

Last night was lovely, lots of friendly faces at the Cluney including a surprise visit from lovely Lorry on the dance floor and some very sunny African music with lots of high energy dancing. I was shattered from work so opted for an early night. Got to bed just after 12 to be woken up by a jam session involving booming voices, 2 guitars and a lot of banging the life out of the coffee table at 3:45. They did pause on request but I was awake till 6 o clock. When I decided to have a pink champagne truffle and a Codeine. I can see why people get addicted to those things. My word, after floating off I was lucid dreaming for what felt like hours! Lots of crazy happenings including cutting half my finger off, I decided it couldn't be real because it didn't hurt and meeting my sister as an old woman giving me words of wisdom.

I'm on the mission of finding a new home. Have seen one at 151 with a very warm communal vibe and there has been talk of me reforming with some old house mates from 130 plus some exciting new ones. I'm also going to see a professional peoples house share today. Huge house, 2 minutes from the bus stop, fully inclusive with professional cleaners. Which sounds great, as I like having a clean house as much as the next person but working full time doesn't leave that much space for it.

Last nights escapades reinforced my need for silence and darkness! Its like a soothing elixir for me. Especially if I'm stressed I drink it up. I have a sleep issue in that I regularly forget my switch off. Like last night there was a good hour of quiet but my mind was racing with mundane shit. I lost my switch off button for a week before, after a week at Glastonbury, where illegal substances were temporarily legal and it seemed unnecessary to sleep. I got back and had actually forgotten how to! Not good. Extreme examples aside peace and quiet needs to be up there with warmth and freedom to change plans, which feels important as everything is in transition.

So best go, got washing up to be done, hair cut, house viewing, baby shower which is exciting then my Dad is up this evening.

People normally know the right thing to do- Its doing it that's the hard part.

Isn't it Friday yet? My alarm sounds like an alien intrusion these past few days. Luckily this is due to having a wonderful time at the allotment for Solstice on Tuesday. Huge fast moving dusky skies a fire and lovely company. Emma, John and I walked very happily over the Moor by our house, cracking open the Scrumpy Jack toasting summer. Nicola and Nathan were there with beautiful Loki, so full of smiles and showing us all his going backwards on slides and balancing on tractor tricks.We all got smoke in our eyes, ate strawberries, burnt wishes and sang songs from our bellies.

School has been mixed. I had a lovely morning yesterday making biscuits. Just when I have the thought that I can't see how anger could possibly escalate to the magnitude it has in the past few weeks, boom! Out of nowhere, no none trigger we have full scale rage. I'm getting more used to it. The frustrating thing is not knowing the cause- its impossible not to speculate. My boss has been off for two days (my boy is really close to him and light up on seeing him) my suspicion is a kick off to have Mick's full attention.

Last night Stu and I had final exchange of stuff. I'm uncomfortable with things not being as good as they can be. Normally if possible I race immediately to close friends often at the detriment of myself. It wasn't easy. Its not going to be at times. I helped carry speakers out and cracked my head off the bonnet. It really hurt. I tried not to cry and failed. I Watched a shit film in Emma's bed and ate packet risotto which was a bit like pudding rice. Warm and wet.

I had a smoke and a good chat to a lovely friend Natasha. I realised that people normally know the right thing to do but that doing it is the hard part. I know I'm doing the right thing with Stu but that doesn't mean it isn't really difficult. Lay in bed, my pillows turned into rocks as I considered there were so many scenarios this thought could relate too. I'm going to try and remember that I know the right thing especially for myself and see if this influences things positively. After tossing and turning and massaging my jarred neck, I moved my pillows to the middle of the bed and slept soundly.

Longest day tomorrow.

Its the longest day tomorrow, there isn't a cloud in the sky this morning and everything in the world is quite and bathed in sunlight.

I've had a full and lovely weekend. Friday was hard. Stu came to pick up his stuff and it sent me into a realisation of huge attachment and loss. It was a lot nicer to see him than I thought it would be. He is as I anticipated doing really well out of the relationship. But my night involved great thirst for elderberry and lime cider. I saw a beautiful Latino singer packed in to the upstairs living room of Bar Kollo like a sardine. Had some brief enjoyable chit chats, tried both avoiding the way I felt and accepting it. I think the most enjoyable part of the evening was when Clara and I came back shattered at about 12 o clock and drank herbal tea listening to Joni Mitchell.

Saturday I went into Hexham and had a very needed shiatsu from Jenny. As soon as I lay down I could feel my body surrendering to letting go of some of the crap its been stubbornly holding on to. Felt immediately better after a treatment of well over an hour. Grounded and spaced at the same time, had myself a pot of tea and a cheese scone in a cafe whilst indulging in a bit of my book. Met the lovely Elena for a catch up over the sharing of an amazing piece of strawberry sponge and another pint of tea.

School fair, very typically in the pouring rain. Bed for an hour, more tea and chats with Jenny, then a couple of hours at my mum's with family and my uncle and his wife to be followed by a serious curry at my sister and Paul's hanging out with the newest family member Chloe.

Yesterday was similarly full, swimming with all the Hexham babes. Allotment which is bursting full of flowers. Emma has a new allotment right next door to my old one, complete with out buildings, a cherry tree, plumb tree, apple, raspberries, grape vines! Seriously beautiful. I was a deck chair buddy for the first hour, then Sarah came over and we all got motivated. I dug a patch without knowing why at first then realised its the perfect spot for my apple tree. Might move it on the Sostice but need to check because their are lots of tiny apples already.

Read a really funny book called 'Every man's code of proper conduct.' It said some great things about education. Namely that it is a life's work and needs to be physical, intellectual and spiritual. I also liked the bit about how its our concious that makes us different from animals and we must listen to it often to judge for ourselves if we are in the right or the wrong. Finally statement that really resonated with me was on conversation- speech is silver and silence is golden. Think carefully about what you say as you can't un say it. I'm pretty immediate and spontaneous with what I say and luckily it often works out for me but thought it was a good lesson to remember.

The sail just needs to be open and love starts

Feel like I should sleep but my mind is busy and flitting from thought to thought so I've decided its better to give in and write.

I began reading 'Love poems from God' this evening a collection of spiritually nurturing prose. The first page I opened the book to was a Rumi quote ' On a day when the wind is perfect, the sail just needs to open and the love starts. Today is such a day.' Love is my religion. I have spent a large part of my life hungry for spiritual knowledge, searching and seeking for answers to the un-knowable. Love is the common thread, the divine, the mystery of creation, the truth within a human heart and as e e cumming's said 'the wonder that keeps the stars apart.'

I am living very much on a week by week cycle at the moment. Plans are limited to a few memorable dates. I am trusting that this is right for now and that everything will enfold in time.

Relationships are building at work and my pupil and I are building trust on the understanding that what ever happens on a day by day basis nothing has changed from a relationship perspective. I will still be there. Consistency is paying off slowly. I'm learning a lot about the gentle selflessness needed to put a child first. I have increased respect and love for mothers, especially my own. The difference is he was not born with unconditional love and I have to hope circumstances mean I can be there to build a sustainable relationship. I'm learning, trial and error little by little every day. It's rewarding, he is a very loving little boy.

My main aim as I go to sleep tonight is to be open to all the love that surrounds me in the simplest form and to allow it to encourage me, lift my spirits and wake up refreshed.

All the love that you feel is your own.

The past couple of weeks I have been soul searching and made a difficult decision to end my relationship with Stu. I'm not going to go into too much detail in this forum. But those who know me well know we've had our up's and down's and patterns of behaviour. Bottom line is we don't bring out the best in each other. Sometimes loving someone isn't enough to mean that the relationship is a compatible match.

I have had so much love, support and understanding from close friends. Women are so amazing in their emotional intelligence and understanding. In some cases I haven't needed to say much, there has an unspoken understanding. Right decision, duffey heart.

On Friday I got taken out for dinner by my Mum, with Charlotte, Emma and Clara. I couldn't really eat but was great to be with strong women. Afterwards Emma and I walked to the Ouseburn arm in arm and had a well needed heart chat.We realised it had been months and months since we had gone out for drinks just the two of us. Its funny how in the beginning of a relationship, friendship or otherwise time to court each other and get to know how the other thinks/ feels is prioritised. Crazy that this goes by the way side after the relationship is 'secure.' I had a slow day yesterday, lots of resting, and sorting re-claiming my space. In the evening Pia, (who has become a close friend since the healing course at Earthing the Spirit last year where we really got to see and share our anxieties and fears ) went for a really long leisurely and beautifully prepared French meal at Cafe Buee- such luxury, to have 3 hours to really speak about where we were at. We had the space to ourselves, in a corner by the window. I'd like to take each of my close girl friends out and have that space to be connected.

A wise friend once bought me a book that helped my understanding of relationships hugely. The most important realisation it talked about was that all the love you feel in a relationship is all your own love. The other person is feeling their love too and the sharing of that is magical.But the end of a relationship cannot take anything away from me as all the love I've felt is my own.

So here I am again. Some time on my hands to find me again. I know that what I can be in true essence is enthusiasm and joy and I am committed to finding that before I look for another relationship. I'm so clear about what I want in a life partner but right now I will focus on being present and the love I have for my amazing family and friends.

Similes for sisters x x x

The end of May is a glorious time for a March Hare such as I! Two women very dear to my heart have birthdays. Charlotte, for who I don't remember life without. My beautiful sister, when we were little my Nana used to say we were like chalk and cheese. That Eleanor would think about it and Charlotte would do it. There maybe some truth in that. But in some respects we are peas in a pod we are crystal clear about the most important things. Our morals, trustworthy nature, our loyalty and commitment to family.

We had a wonderful night last night, a lovely hand-knit woolly jumper of friends met in a Hexham Indian. My sis was pretty as a picture and got spoilt. We all drank like fishes, ate like kings and due to a relatively early night (in spite of Charlotte's distaste- she was well up for a Donnie's mission!) woke fresh as a daisy!

Soon I'm off for a birthday adventure for lovely Emma's 30th! Here are a couple of antidotes/memory's I wish to remember forever of Miss Beattie.. These are going to be printed on bunting for the party.

On holiday with Beats in the US of A, we had daily spray time, Emma taught me the joy of body boarding, she coached me in riding a bike along the sands. We got caught in an electrical storm, we were the only two people who ran smiling towards each other and the sea! Happily picking up our favourite kind of shells till we realised the whole beach was deserted and my Mum's batty neighbour Mary T was shouting at us from her balcony,'Girls get the frick off the beach!!!' Ha ha, laughter and fear have never been so closely coupled! Do you remember when we watched the day after tomorrow, then there was a HUGE storm shaking all the windows and blowing the sun loungers over the wall! Emma my love, If there was a disaster going on I'd choose to be with you every time! Keep smiling and remember not to peer to closely on baby birds their mummy's are vicious and may fly after your head!! All my love Ellie x x x

If you want a space to be magically transformed Emma is the lady for the job. Em's creativity is something to behold, she will move any piano in her way to create the desired effect. I've seen her transform a grey room into a Mexican party den, complete with the kind of party games you squealed for at 7. Most recently, our living room became a room of rich celebration for my 30th. The sunshine banners had to stay and the birthday chair was a piece of art. I nearly went to check the night before as it sounded like someone had broke in and was smashing things! A week later the living room was changed again into 225's spa! But the best decor must of been the outdoor living room, one of the many 58 specials. I was on mushrooms with an eye patch (being a pirate for a night) and I cannot describe the wonder and fairy light glory when I took my patch off and had the power of two eyes!! :) Love you Miss Beattie. Thank the lord you got the job at Kenton! You are an inspiring, beautiful and amazing friend to have and my life is so much richer for having you in it!! x x x x

For now I am as keen as mustard, best get the car packed and be on our way as quick as a flash. For tonight will be sweet as a nut. :)

Small successes

'Even after all this time, the Sun never says to the Earth, "you owe me". Look what happens with a love like that, it lights the whole sky' - Hafiz

A friend of mine posted this today and I think it beautifully encapsulates unconditional love. The type of love we all need and that the little boy I am teaching has never received.

Its early days but I already feel very comfortable in my new world of work. The team of teachers and support workers there are brilliant and treat the children and young people with the respect and value that you would a family member.

I have had 2 days which have not been without challenges but have been filled with small successes. Were slowly building up trust and have had two days clear of outbursts.

Its an interesting way of working because all the learning needs to be hands on, engaging to one individual and incidental. Its mostly been linked to pizza's this week, with lots of flexibility for him to feel settled and call the shots. I am learning a lot.

I'm so happy to be back into work, in a place which echo's my belief system. Today we made pizza's and my student volunteered information that made me think he feels comfortable. We also took photographs of the process and he gave us lots of smiles. The lucky thing is he is a really engaging and funny so even if times are tough, he comes back from it full of beans.

I also get free school meals from the lovely cooking staff who really like to feed! The food is amazing and there is loads of it, so will have to watch out not to pile on the pounds! Chicken curry and chocolate sponge with custard today!

I am enjoying my home and my home time so much more for having less of it, although half term with money sounds mighty appealing! :)

Hope the sunshine might come out these next couple of days, its been seriously windy!

Have a lovely weekend to look forward to, drinks with my beautiful sister and Anita on Friday. Birthday celebrations with Soph on Saturday night and a 75p event at the Tyne side cinema on Sunday so off to see Amiliee. :)

I have a job!!

What a difference a day makes! Today I got a job at an inspiring independent school for children and young people with Emotional and Behavioural difficulties. A job I start tomorrow and which will very likely continue in September.The environment is idealic set in large grounds, behind allotments. The school has a warm , friendly atmosphere, with lots of social spaces and only 24 pupils on roll.

After getting a little lost in sunny Walbottle (luckily I was half an hour early) I found the school tucked away, this was a good ice breaker for initially meeting the Head and my line manager 'Cockney Mick' a very warm man,who I took an instant like to . The ethos of the school is everything I believe in. Unconditional value for every pupli. Each day is a clean slate. First names are used for the teaching staff. Happiness and emotional well-being are the central focus. My aim in the following months will be relationship building and gaining trust in a purpose built 'nurture' room.

I will be teaching one 8 year old boy initially, with an experienced support member of support staff. There is an alternative Key stage 2 unit being built which can take up to 6 children. September could see a new cohort. Having a job, starting tomorrow and very likely a job for September is such a relief. No more form filling and constant searching.

I am elated! I came home, danced around a lot, got taken for lunch by Stu, made a few calls and text messages, then packed my beautiful bag, bought from America with all the resources I may need. What a joy to have a place and a use for all the energy and work I've put into becoming a practitioner.I'm sure it will be a steep learning curve at first, but the brilliant thing is I so agree with the schools ethos and felt comfortable. I think the support for it to be the way I would like it to be will be there. Bring it on!

Fresh Mint and Lemon Balm

'Be where you are, otherwise you'll miss your life.' Being present is something I am always striving for. I know I feel better when I achieve it and the simplest tasks such as spring cleaning my room become joyful. It took me a while because I got into sorting and clearing spaces and decided to change some pictures in frames. (Emma's bird, painted for my birthday, a photo from Figi to remind me of simplicity. And a lovely photo of my Mum and Bernard taken when we were all in Australia 10 years worth of moons ago.)

I am sipping fresh mint, (including chocolate mint which is incredible) and lemon balm tea from the allotment, which is covered in about a 100 dandelion clocks, which if I'm honest I love, the remind me of childhood and happy times with Stu when we first got it and it was a shock of yellow!

The weekend was pretty close to perfect, Emma, John and I dressed up as cats for a house warming party, where we were the only ones in fancy dress! We enjoyed ourselves back-combing our hair and making tales though and I did some tale dancing.

Saturday was very chilled, Chats from bed, making a gift, catching up with Jeanette, bathing..followed by a wonderful evening of amazing music, dancing with lots of friends and heart to hearts with Jenny and Lorry. Felt very blessed and fully charged from having so much fun.

This week its back to applications and hoping to get some supply work, fingers crossed! It feels like luck is changing and I'm enjoying the beautiful sun light day moment by moment.

Walking home

I just woke up from an undisturbed 8 and a half hours sleep, feel like a renewed woman! So I thought I'd multi task and have my favourite breakfast at the moment, tea and marmite on toast in bed whilst writing this.

Last night I went to my old (and very close to my heart) house 130 for a devotional Paddy was having. I was met by a hugely warm welcome as there were friends there from Earthing the Spirit. (Best festival in Northumberland)

Vanessa and I went upstairs to my old beautiful room to say hello to Mike and I got a gorgeous gift from Mike's adventures, a silk Indian scarf, beautiful rich red, turquoise and orange.. I was glad of it, the days are so sun filled and in contrast the nights are unexpectedly cold. Then we went to the lounge and played beautiful music, the room surged and we sung. It was possibly the most needed devotional I have ever attended. Singing is such a release and singing with beautiful people creates this resonating sense of joy. Amazing. My favourite song was 'walking home.' Everyone sung for that one, when we sang 'give up your sorrow, give up your pain' The power of everyone singing this from the heart was dare I say close to a revelation. I don't believe for that moment there was an ounce of pain felt by anyone embraced in that room.

At the beginning of the week I felt frustrated by my job/lack of work scenario and did some North American animal cards (a gift I bought for Clara) I did a farther sky Mother earth spread. 2 cards chosen by different hands to represent the different aspects needed. My male energy, right handed card was Moose- Self esteem and bellowing joy, so all about celebration of where you have got to. Hard to feel when work isn't happening, but I felt a sense of bellowing joy last night. Also being really active is helping, I know if I continue being focused and pushing out as many applications as possible each week. It will happen.

My feminine energy card, intuitive, emotional aspect was rabbit- fear. So I have been much more open with myself about what I'm afraid of and its certainly allowing it much less hold.

Things are shifting in a positive light with Stu. He got an essay off his back and the sense of relief was huge. There is also a real fire and passion being ignited in his beliefs about how the worlds power and fossil fuels are running out. The nuclear explosion in Japan and how the impact of that could effect us long term and all this is driving a passion in his joint business ventures with 'Gen Flux' I am relieved to be honest. :) On to the teaching applications of the day, the last of this weeks lot.

Wedding bells and cockle shells.

Today has been a proper Sunday, had a lay in, called a couple of friends with tea in bed, pottered around, wash loads, book in the sun, skype chat with my mum and the all important roast chicken. Lovely! A much needed restful day after my step sisters wedding on Friday, I went out for a strange cabaret evening and catch up with my lovely friend Elena on Thursday, so the early start on Friday was a little bleary eyed! Charlotte and Paul picked us up with MacDonald's breakfasts full of beans, we had a great journey down. Radio 1 was playing 90's summer classics in celebration of the Royal wedding. Char and I toasted the wedding at 11O clock with a can of pinot grigio-proper classy!

We arrived at the hotel, a big old beautiful house, got changed whilst catching a quick glimpse of Will and Kate, then chilled out in the bar with my Dad. White wine spritzer's with my beautiful sister were the order. Char gelled up Stu pots hair, which was funny and we got acquainted with the resident Parrot Bo Bo.

The service was really simple and beautiful. My step sister Lianne was a good half an hour late and Charlotte had us all crying saying how lovely Joseph had been when he went to see James's tree and bench. He thanked Paul for taking him there and said 'When I die I want to be buried next to Uncle James because its lovely.' Such a sensitive beautiful hearted boy.

After a quick civil ceremony which a beautiful smiley 7 month old boy chatted all the way through we went to the lawn for bucks fizz and photographs. I was the paparazzi, ( a trick I learnt from my Mum) which means there will always be some natural smiley photos.

The wedding breakfast was lovely, we had a fun table, with my Dad's best mates Pete and Kay, so plenty of laughter, not too many references to the Royal wedding, but some cheesy mugs and t-shirts and my Dad's star performance as Prince Charles in the Best man's speech.

The Prince Charles mask made some hilarious appearances on the dance floor later, especially when Paul did some runner man moves in it!

I had a fab time dancing, bit of Jackson 5 and Groove Armada with Stu and plenty of cheese with Char, especially enjoyed 'Everyday I'm shuffulin!'

Later on Char mistakenly fed Stu's rollie to the Parrot are friend Bo Bo to much laughter and horror as he ate it!

Yesterday I felt pretty rough, but had a jet air bubble bath and a huge full English which helped a lot! Ended up going to a May day celebration, the sun shine lured me to carry on, saw Backyard Rhythm Orchestra's first gig which was really uplifting, joyful bouncy music to hop along to in the the sun. I couldn't dance much as my feet were sore from silly shoes.But got to catch up with Paul Calver and Matt, with good chats and extended picnic. When I got to the allotment afterwards I realised the extent of the huge blisters. One of them was nearly half my foot. So the day of rest has been much appreciated and tomorrow an allotment celebration will be held in honour of my beloved house mate Clara May. :)

Much more to life than money!

The present moment doesn't feel so promising, got a letter of doom from Job seekers saying they are stopping my money for 2 weeks because I didn't send in a C.V on time!! I will contest it, it just confirms to me even stronger that my situation has got to change. Sometimes it takes a crisis for positive action to follow. Am on the application train again, another one completed this morning. I just have to stay calm and focused and remember there are much more important things than money.

So I am cheering myself up by remembering the lovely weekend just passed. Fire at the allotment on Friday evening with some lovely folk,some new Fenham crew, we shared a few songs and some potatoes cooked on the fire

I looking after Joseph Izzy and baby Thomas on Saturday. They were so kind and loving to their baby cousin. Totally adorable. Izzy always calls him 'Baby Thomas', we played 'Mama's' footsteps, What's the time Mr Wolf, musical statues and Just dance. Joseph did plenty of break dancing moves especially to Dizzy Rascal 'Bonkers' Izzy did lots of spinning and Thomas joined in with cute baby dad dancing style. It made me look forward to having a cousin for them, they were super tolerant even when Thomas turned the computer off and gave him big cuddles before singing sleepy songs! We sand Adelevice (not sure how to spell) and Izzy kept saying 'Oh no, this makes me too sleepy' whilst dramatically throwing herself on the bed! I also enjoyed the novelty of Saturday night T.v, watched Britain's got talent, and sniffed my way through the emotional winning contestants.

Went for a big walk in Hawthorn Dene on Sunday, was a beautiful day, and we walked through hundreds of blue bells and wild garlic, had a picnic by the sea and back past cliffs and caves.

Looking forward to Friday, Royal wedding of Will and Kate and also my Step Sister Lianne and Simon, should be fun and nice to have a night with Charlotte, Paul and my Dad.

Rivers and egg hunts equal abundance!

Tired as I'm waking up with the birds at the moment and have had a couple of late nights. Got drunk from 2 and a half cans of cider last night! Like what's going on! I'm hoping its the sun and not because I reached 30 and am now past it! Went to see Katie and Mark, Penny and David's new house as we are now neighbours. They have a swirly, spotty, hippy path as an entrance! The sun is still out in full force and today I'm going to Hexham to spend time with Char, Anita, Sophie, Jenny and all their beautiful children to have an egg hunt for Easter so that will be lovely.

My party at Haydon Spa was really fun, such a pretty spot, overlooking the river and surrounded by trees and woods. A small group of us spent a good hour or more spitting distant from our destination but not quite knowing where to go but it all added to the adventure! It was lovely to see the kids enjoying it. Joseph was straight up a tree, and played really lovely with Barnaby and Izzy with Tallulah.

We picnic'd and I drank Cava, more people arrived in a relaxed fashion, so got chance to enjoy speaking to them. I span the kids round before they left, fell over with Izzy but she's hardcore so didn't mind! Then I DJ'd on my i pod for over 3 hours and danced lots! I was in my element and bounced between chats at the fire and drunken dancing with some of my favourite people! Emma egged me on and I ended up raunching around a fair bit and doing backwards rolls! The police came with their huge official looking torch!! It didn't ruin anything though, my Dad encouraged me to put it back on but I got vetoed! Emma and I sang with my Dad on his desent up the hill, and fell all the way back down! We played games by the fire, including my favourite 'in the manner of the word.' All lovely and sunshine the next day. unfortunately Stu pulled his back carrying batteries! He was in agony for 5 days, we stayed in Hexham for a couple of days and Joseph was really sweet and cuddled up to him when he told him he'd hurt his back.

Just had a couple of really lovely days with lovely El. Had a stolen sunny day in Hexham, lots of catching up and an amazing shiatsu in Jenny's new business establishment!

Stu and I saw a beautiful house in Hexham. Perfect really for our purposes. Spoke to my Mum on skype yesterday and realised that we can't risk moving there, without me having a job or at least one of us being more secure. I spoke to Stu about it this morning and he is not happy.

Its hard because I really want things to move and know that would help him to feel happier, but just got to play it safe until I know where I'm going to be work wise. 9 jobs to apply for before the 19th May so surely something will come of one of those..Stu has just handed me a piece of paper that works out that we can pay for this house! This is so tricky, torn..

Affirmation for abundance ' I accept good graciously into my life. All my needs are met abundantly for me now and always.'

Birds and buses and rivers

I've got pre party anxiety, for my party by the river tomorrow, quite mild, (like is anyone going to come, am I doing the right thing having a party kind of nerves) but they got raised higher this morning by trying to find the destination on Google maps, not my strong point. I think that's why we have men, so they can be our compass.

I was suppose to have an interview for an agency this morning, but got cancelled due to some random vandalism, so have kept myself busy with spring cleaning my space. I so want to be working, its hard to keep being positive about the scenario, but I know it will shift and change, just putting my heart into applying for September, looking for jobs and joining a couple more agencies. It always feels better when I go walking, listen to the birds or play music, so having a sing to Laura Marling, she has such a beautiful voice.

It will be lovely to get people together tomorrow, once I'm there I can just relax and enjoy. -Please shine sunshine! We can always have a big fire to burn away our worries.

Think I'm going to wear my spectacular false eyelashes from Miss Beattie and my Mum's sequin boob tube, its the woods ,but hey, I don't have many big party's.

So now I'm off out on wander to get a parcel I missed and go to the Turkish baths for Jeanette's birthday, super hot, so will probably chill me out!

Stu is making his big beautiful blue bus more beautiful, he's been planning it for so long that he's happy creating it, and has even taken on my requests for more shelves! His plan is to sell it, but enjoy it this summer, I think he may get more attached to its fabulousness, so hopefully if I can get some work, any work will do, we shall go on an adventure to Shambala at the end of August. :)

An unexpected burst of summer!

This weekend has been an unexpected burst of summer! I was woke on Saturday morning by a friends gorgeous 3 year old little girl, full of beans and telling me how Nellie my elephant needed me as she'd had a bad dream about monsters! I got cups of tea and we snuggled back into bed with Clara May for a warm fuzzy dose of Mary Poppins.

Emma and I had made plans to spend some quality time wit each other and had decided to go on a day trip, the sky was bright blue and full of sunshine, we put our summer dresses and sandals on then checked the temperature tentatively by stepping outside, to discover that we weren't ridiculously under-dressed, we both yelped with joy and excitement when we realised the sun truly did have real heat in it.

We went to purchase a picnic, made a couple of new friends, very open lovely souls, and had a gloriously luxurious day of laying on a blanket, in the countryside, speaking from our hearts. We had an imaginary tea party with real cream and strawberry sponges, drove up by the coast, which was really windy comparatively, so went inland to a beer garden, surrounded by ancient tall majestic trees.

The evening before I decided to do some angel cards for the first time in ages, I was inspired by Clara to do a seven card spread, they were very insightful of where I am emotionally at the present and one of the strongest messages was to be out in nature and how healing that can be. I also got Divine plan, the crazy thing is, I saw more orbs or some kind of unexplained moving disks of light,( a bit like what you would imagine a cell would look like) than ever before this weekend. I have seen them before with a particular pair of sunglasses, at the allotment or travelling past countryside. This weekend, particularly when we were at the woodland beer garden, I was quite overwhelmed by the amount of small white spinning light orbs I was seeing and a big bright blue one that kept appearing. Has anyone had a similar experience? They felt like a protective energy, they kept appearing like a burst of light about half a meter in front of my face or close to friends heads. I Hope I don't sound mad!

Yesterday, another gorgeous sunny day, 22 degrees, a 4 car convoy, (Oh how I do love a convoy!) went up to a magical spot in the Cheviots. Beautiful rolling hills, by a place called Heartside, a waterfall which was a perfect picnic spot, we had plenty of children with us , so lots of playing. I went in to the water up to my waist. Freezing cold water! Felt a bit of a chicken, but am quite run down, looming spring cold from the change of season, so didn't push myself, Clara jumped in from about 5 or 6 meters so was mighty proud of her and Kenzie jumped in from about 10 meters from a branch of a tree!

I was exhausted after both days in a lovely, physically worn out and sun kissed way. Watched a dark yet beautiful film 'Perfume' last night and am having my favourite kind of pottering morning before I get on it with some tidying, sorting and application missions.

Optimism

When you start to count your blessings the universe conspires to make you smile. Today I was sat on my doorstep getting a burst of vitamin D when a big yellow bus filled with rails of clothes stopped at the end of my street. It caught my eye because 1 it was sunshine yellow, 2 it had lots of colourful shirts hanging in the window, and 3 it had a big sign 'Everything 5p'! So I got my sandals on grabbed my bag and hopped over the road to go see about some bargains, the smiley man was picking up supplies but let me have a quick look. I got some lovely children's clothes, a hello kitty top for Izzy, a funky waistcoat for Joseph, a stripy next jumper for baby Ruby a beautiful pick woollen stripy outfit for an unborn baby girl (there is bound to be at least one in the running) and a t shirt for me all for the grand total of 25p!

I spent 4 hours on an application for Walbottle Village Primary its a permanent position so I made sure I fit all the criteria in the person specification. On my jaunt into town I got an unexpected text message from a potential new friend, I met through looking after the boys, I met her last week and got a really great feeling from her and we are meeting with the boys on Tuesday.

At the library I multi tasked with my proof reading and printing of my letter of application as my random i tunes were too good to resist and a lovely old(ish) guy insisted on paying for my printing.

I came home to glorious sunshine in the yard so sat out with adorable Crunchie cat and a perfect cup of tea, Emma came home and we danced are way through tidying the living room.

Sometimes it feels like its a real challenge to get a teaching job but by counting all my blessings, my optimism tells everything is going to fall into place just fine.

I had a lovely afternoon playing games with Morgan, 6 yesterday, when I lost a game he shook my hand and said 'well done for a really good try, everyone wants to be good at things straight away but they aren't, you just have to keep trying and practice. You never know next time you might just win.' :) Its a lesson I've been taught lots of times but it sounded so perfect and reasoned coming from him and was just what I needed to hear.

Very smiley as a fall back disposition. :)

Today is muggy, a bit like thunder storm weather! I have spent 2 hours in the job centre as I had a new appointment time and forgot to write it down, only to discover that because I didn't send in my C.V as 'directly ordered' bizarre language choice, I may lose up to 4 weeks benefit, including housing benefit!! It's not as if the job centre are any help at all in me getting a job, and I have done paid work so they can see my job seeking status is genuine. The guy was nice about it, I think he has a shit job and said he would write something which is sympathetic. I have sent it now so will just have to keep my fingers crossed!

Apart from that bit of joy all is well, had a lovely weekend, girls night in at my sisters on Saturday night, with Chris as a token boy. Lots of chat around Dogs, Lola is defiantly like an extra child! Cute chats with Izzy and Joseph, Izzy was all adorable in her princess, ballerina dress from Mamar, she'd cried at bed time because she didn't want to take it off! Joseph was showing me his Star wars sound gismo.. They both gave very different accounts of their Mothers day gift for Char, very sweet and funny.

Mothers day we had a huge feast at Stu's Mum and Dad's. They spoke a bit about the family history, names such as Lancelot and Shadrock were common in his family, I said don't be giving Stu any ideas! Also spoke to my Mum in Daytona, miss her but know the chilled out, sunshine lifestyle is really good for both her and my Step Dad.

Monday morning applications for teaching posts followed by a super lovely trip to the George (birthday treat) from Sophie and a 7 month old Ruby. Ruby is like a mini Soph, very smiley as a fall back disposition and loves the water, lots of giggling and waving and splashing. She even tried to latch on to me in my swimming suit- which I considered an honour, Soph dunked her sideways a few times and she was great about it. Stayed at Soph and Saul's last night, Very beautiful home, overlooking hills and trees Talked about the wedding, had lots of chicken and rice and lovely crisp white wine. Slept really well in a blacked out room.

Maybe seeing Elena tonight, which is always lovely, then applications and spring sorting/cleaning for the next couple of days.

The location for my party is proving a little more difficult than first anticipated so will have to get on that today. :)

Freedom in a relationship

A wise man who is very dear to my heart wrote me a letter this week which has triggered some synchronised events and had me thinking about my relationship.

He asked me 'How does my relationship with Stu reflect how you want to treat the world/want the world to be?

The answer to this is very much dependant on how our relationship is from day to day, I was immediately tempted to deflect the question and think about what I give to the world more widely, noting my friendships and working with young children. This doesn't however begin to unpick the complexity and power of a connection between two people.

Before I met Stu I was classically not looking to meet anyone and I remember I had written a very detailed account of what I wanted in a partner, It still holds true. The essence of what I wanted was an equal partner- someone I connect deeply with in all aspects of my life, someone who nourishes and supports me in becoming the most evolved, present, free person I can be. Clear communication and an ability to view these qualities for much that is similar from me.

Stu and I are so different in our abilities and what we bring to the world, he is very perceptive and giving but on occasion are communication is at such crossed lines I feel like I am banging my head against a wall!

I found an article in The Times of all places which reminded me of a fundamental belief I developed over 10 years ago reading Don Miguel Ruiz 'The Mastery of Love' the importance of freedom in a relationship. By this I mean a complete support of your partner, believing with all your heart that they know what is best for them, very much in the way that long lasting friendships work. And an unsaid agreement that you will never tell your partner what to do. This is something I need to gently reintroduce in to my current relationship, it can be over the simplest, smallest thing, but If someone is constantly disagreeing and questioning what you are doing or suggesting you are misguided it is a total relationship wrecker!

I have been thinking about this further and think that when someone feels out of control, they try to micro manage the people they value the most.

The way I can reflect how I would like to see the world within my relationship is to see myself as I really am. Being open and taking responsibility for my own thoughts can only act as encouragement for my partner to do the same. Probably the most important thing I can do is to keep listening, in that magical beginning stage its all about listening, discovering and exploring someone. As long as I don't assume I know things and keep listening without expectation and Stu is willing to do the same there is no reason why we can't embody the freedom I would like to see in the world.

All is calm

All is calm after a peaceful night of pampering with lovely house-mates. Its rare that I do face packs, normally can't be bothered with the gunk, but this one was like a face cloth and left us all glowing. We had foot baths and generally relaxed by candle light. I've decided to call my owl Archie, he glares at me his intense questioning stare- eyebrows raised,we have been getting acquainted.

The week has flown by, today I nearly got blown over the moor, I could of flown away if I had an umbrella! The friendly cows are back, I had my music blasting and my hair was being blown all over my face so I was a bit surprised to see a small heard running towards the path.

Had 2 beautiful nights out, a lovely meal and catch up with Elena, and dub in the pub with Jeanette last night, Stu is looking for houses I know that is a big factor in his unrest.

The boys have been lovely although testing the boundaries a little further, I'm convinced wind makes children wild, both boys flew off after school today, I felt like one of those mothers who is shouting to control their children. Conrad wanted to make perfume for Susie from rose petals today, it reminded me of being a child and the concoctions my sister and I came up with involving browning rose petals and blossom. He and Morgan mixed rose petals a little blended oil with lavender, sugar and lemon in a jam jar and made a label. Very sweet. :)

Had a lovely morning in nursery too, young children are so welcoming and warm, I wonder what year 5 will have in store for me tomorrow?

I don't like packet ham.

I woke up this morning after a decent sleep and I feel really upset. Stu and I had such a difficult weekend, with arguments about the most banal shit. I feel like in some ways I shouldn't write about it on here but I know he would never dream of reading it, and all I really want to do is resolve my mind a bit so I can move on and stop crying!

Up until this weekend, my birthday weekend, things have been going really well, I feel like are communication has got loads better, Stu has been a lot more involved in my family, we've been having a lovely time.

This weekend we started off tired and late for a meal invite at a friends house. I wasn't too impressed by being so late, this is a regular thing, but after initially saying we really need to leave and maybe we shouldn't have a cup of tea! I bit my tongue and we set off having some good chats on the way, then we got lost, so spent 2 hours driving the scenic route and hour of that was driving in circles. I stayed mainly calm and apologised that I expect he knows where he is going.

We had a lovely time at friends house, beautiful meal, relaxed company. We left about 2 the next day, got to Waitrose to buy some stuff for a sandwich on the way home- Stu made some un-necessary remark about not liking packet ham and coleslaw, I pretty much ignored him at first, then pointed out it was un necessary and ungrateful and got a good torrent of abuse about how I wasn't trying to do something nice I was just getting what I wanted. I told him to stop and that he wouldn't be getting any.

We got back to my Mum's he ignored me for at least 20 minutes. I cooled down a bit and tried to go in to diffuse the situation without having an argument, within 5 minutes there was loads of shouting again. Its like if I criticise Stu he throws loads of upsetting insults back, he kicked off saying I was selfish and only thought of myself, I told him if that's what he though he should leave.

We just about sorted it out, he upset me further by complaining about the money I have had to borrow over the past 3 months. He left I cried, then had a wonderful night with Jenny and Charlotte and a lot of champagne Bellini. Next day, I managed to get in touch about 1 ish and had another argument over the phone about what his plans were. I waiting around till 3.40 to see him and sort things out, he dropped me back in town, as I was meeting someone at 5. I asked if he could drop my stuff off, he said yes but never turned up. I have no charger so have been unable to call him or brush my teeth.

I wrote an email asking if he plans to drop them off and explaining why I am upset.

I know we can sort it out and that mostly things are good, but weekends like this make me reassess the entire relationship. I know that relationships are what we choose for ourselves. I don't choose this. I will go over now as there is no response, get my stuff. Stay calm. Let him respond to my email. Be supportive but also realistic, I know it probably sounds drastic but if it doesn't improve I will leave. I resent feeling so uptight and upset and in these type of situations all we really achieve is bringing out the worse in each other.

The early bird catches the worm

It happens twice a year and yet always I seem to be baffled by the clocks. Often I am puzzled by if they have gone forwards or back, now I remember 'spring forward'. I was realising that I don't actually know if British summer time always falls at the same weekend each year? It's happened a few times the weekend after my birthday, the lost hour has been sourly felt on a few occasions, but I don't know if that's coincidental. It also doesn't help that modern technology tricks the mind by cleverly readjusting the time, automatically! I think the only clock which has the correct time in a house full of clocks- is this computer!

Yesterday was a whirl of emotions- Stu and I both tired had a ridiculous argument that I won't go into much detail but involved a ham sandwich as a catalyst. I was royally pissed off and went to bed for a bit in the afternoon to calm down.

Last night I went for dinner and extended celebrations at Jenny's. It was entirely everything I needed. My happiness levels had risen again within about half an hour and spending time with Jenny and my sister put the day in perspective. Charlotte is brilliant, her view on life and love never minces a word and both Jenny and her have my admiration and respect for their strength and honesty so I was in excellent hands. I also got to do a treasure hunt involving coconut mushrooms to find my present- the trail led all the upstairs to an original, amazing ink drawing of an anarchy inspired owl, which I love! J and I had been to the Settle down cafe with fingal on a few occasions, notably when we went to get Fingal his first haircut, :) I had always admired this particular artists work- so much so that I visualised the owl on the chimney breast of Stu's perspective house. I also got a beautiful card from Charlotte and co where Joseph had done some art which looked spookily like it to was anarchy inspired- amongst the big A were lots of hearts and a wolverine claw! I lay in bed for a while last night trying to suss out the owl's name. Char thought Headwick, from Harry Potter, Ja-izwick sprung to mind as did Archy. Think I'll have to get better acquainted till I can make a final decision. I also got bubbles, we got through a fair amount of champagne and peach Bellini with raspberries. A brilliant and well needed mix of letting off steam, funny antidotes and setting our lives to rights.

Lots of pink cherry blossom is popping up, love been born at this time of year! Heart souring teeny tiny baby lambs speckle the landscape and the living world is singing out with colour.

I am an early bird, but recognise I'm still tired from feeling frayed around the edges- so a book in bed, with a second cup of tea, followed by a walk in the sunshine is my start to the day.