Freedom in a relationship

A wise man who is very dear to my heart wrote me a letter this week which has triggered some synchronised events and had me thinking about my relationship.

He asked me 'How does my relationship with Stu reflect how you want to treat the world/want the world to be?

The answer to this is very much dependant on how our relationship is from day to day, I was immediately tempted to deflect the question and think about what I give to the world more widely, noting my friendships and working with young children. This doesn't however begin to unpick the complexity and power of a connection between two people.

Before I met Stu I was classically not looking to meet anyone and I remember I had written a very detailed account of what I wanted in a partner, It still holds true. The essence of what I wanted was an equal partner- someone I connect deeply with in all aspects of my life, someone who nourishes and supports me in becoming the most evolved, present, free person I can be. Clear communication and an ability to view these qualities for much that is similar from me.

Stu and I are so different in our abilities and what we bring to the world, he is very perceptive and giving but on occasion are communication is at such crossed lines I feel like I am banging my head against a wall!

I found an article in The Times of all places which reminded me of a fundamental belief I developed over 10 years ago reading Don Miguel Ruiz 'The Mastery of Love' the importance of freedom in a relationship. By this I mean a complete support of your partner, believing with all your heart that they know what is best for them, very much in the way that long lasting friendships work. And an unsaid agreement that you will never tell your partner what to do. This is something I need to gently reintroduce in to my current relationship, it can be over the simplest, smallest thing, but If someone is constantly disagreeing and questioning what you are doing or suggesting you are misguided it is a total relationship wrecker!

I have been thinking about this further and think that when someone feels out of control, they try to micro manage the people they value the most.

The way I can reflect how I would like to see the world within my relationship is to see myself as I really am. Being open and taking responsibility for my own thoughts can only act as encouragement for my partner to do the same. Probably the most important thing I can do is to keep listening, in that magical beginning stage its all about listening, discovering and exploring someone. As long as I don't assume I know things and keep listening without expectation and Stu is willing to do the same there is no reason why we can't embody the freedom I would like to see in the world.