New house in the street of tumbling blossom.

After talking about being an early morning person last night, I woke up at 5.20 really hot and wide awake. I putting it down to 6 hours being enough in the summer and excitement as last night I went for a meal at 151 Sydney and am moving in, in August! It is a very beautiful house with a big history similar to 130 right next to Nunsmoor park. My new house mates made me feel totally welcome last night. We had a lovely meal around glass fronted table with farm animals inside it. Emma who I have only met a couple of times previously gave me a run down of the organisation of the house. Everyone was really open and honest and I got a really good feeling about it which is what I was hoping and waiting for.

Last night I was mentally working out my pictures to be hung on the wall and all the things I would feel essential to take with me. I can't have my bed for 6 months but I think the things I can't take can be stored effectively in the attic room at my Folks. A perfect end to a lovely weekend.

Saturday I got my hair cut for the first time in months and went to a baby shower. I've never been to one before and it was really well organised and lovely. We all arrived to bubbles and amazing olives and nibbles. Everyone had a go at designing a baby grow, with fabric pens which was fun. Jenny gave everyone 15 minute seated Shiatsu treatments and we chatted to Kate and all wrote in a beautiful book a piece of advice, a promise and a prediction of due date, sex and weight of the baby. Cake was coupled with presents and the theme was favourite childhood book and/or beauty product for Kate which felt easy to participate in and really nurturing and supportive of Kate. It made me feel I would love to have something similar if I was pregnant for the experience of having the strongest women in my life surrounding me before giving birth. I promised to make Kate a big Tupperware of chilli to freeze so that's tomorrow nights agenda, I'll have to cook some for my house simultaneously to check it tastes good!

Comedy club in Hexham with my Dad and sister Saturday night. Was really fun and we definitely made ourselves known and joined in the banter. The headlining act spoke about the pursuit of happiness and was really good off the cuff and my Dad fell asleep during the last half an hour which was classic.

Yesterday was a morning playing with Joseph and Izzy they are getting cute little Hexham accents and were full of mischief and love. Had a good catch up with my Mamma bear then met lovely Laura for a couple of hours catch up in hot and steamy town. Had an amazing Mocha frappé could seriously get into those!

So I best get my ass in the shower. Presentation day on Friday at school so lots to do. Going for the being on it tactic this week! Hopefully Yoga tonight, Natasha for dinner Tuesday, swimming on Wednesday, cinema Thursday! :)

Switch off button

Last night was lovely, lots of friendly faces at the Cluney including a surprise visit from lovely Lorry on the dance floor and some very sunny African music with lots of high energy dancing. I was shattered from work so opted for an early night. Got to bed just after 12 to be woken up by a jam session involving booming voices, 2 guitars and a lot of banging the life out of the coffee table at 3:45. They did pause on request but I was awake till 6 o clock. When I decided to have a pink champagne truffle and a Codeine. I can see why people get addicted to those things. My word, after floating off I was lucid dreaming for what felt like hours! Lots of crazy happenings including cutting half my finger off, I decided it couldn't be real because it didn't hurt and meeting my sister as an old woman giving me words of wisdom.

I'm on the mission of finding a new home. Have seen one at 151 with a very warm communal vibe and there has been talk of me reforming with some old house mates from 130 plus some exciting new ones. I'm also going to see a professional peoples house share today. Huge house, 2 minutes from the bus stop, fully inclusive with professional cleaners. Which sounds great, as I like having a clean house as much as the next person but working full time doesn't leave that much space for it.

Last nights escapades reinforced my need for silence and darkness! Its like a soothing elixir for me. Especially if I'm stressed I drink it up. I have a sleep issue in that I regularly forget my switch off. Like last night there was a good hour of quiet but my mind was racing with mundane shit. I lost my switch off button for a week before, after a week at Glastonbury, where illegal substances were temporarily legal and it seemed unnecessary to sleep. I got back and had actually forgotten how to! Not good. Extreme examples aside peace and quiet needs to be up there with warmth and freedom to change plans, which feels important as everything is in transition.

So best go, got washing up to be done, hair cut, house viewing, baby shower which is exciting then my Dad is up this evening.

People normally know the right thing to do- Its doing it that's the hard part.

Isn't it Friday yet? My alarm sounds like an alien intrusion these past few days. Luckily this is due to having a wonderful time at the allotment for Solstice on Tuesday. Huge fast moving dusky skies a fire and lovely company. Emma, John and I walked very happily over the Moor by our house, cracking open the Scrumpy Jack toasting summer. Nicola and Nathan were there with beautiful Loki, so full of smiles and showing us all his going backwards on slides and balancing on tractor tricks.We all got smoke in our eyes, ate strawberries, burnt wishes and sang songs from our bellies.

School has been mixed. I had a lovely morning yesterday making biscuits. Just when I have the thought that I can't see how anger could possibly escalate to the magnitude it has in the past few weeks, boom! Out of nowhere, no none trigger we have full scale rage. I'm getting more used to it. The frustrating thing is not knowing the cause- its impossible not to speculate. My boss has been off for two days (my boy is really close to him and light up on seeing him) my suspicion is a kick off to have Mick's full attention.

Last night Stu and I had final exchange of stuff. I'm uncomfortable with things not being as good as they can be. Normally if possible I race immediately to close friends often at the detriment of myself. It wasn't easy. Its not going to be at times. I helped carry speakers out and cracked my head off the bonnet. It really hurt. I tried not to cry and failed. I Watched a shit film in Emma's bed and ate packet risotto which was a bit like pudding rice. Warm and wet.

I had a smoke and a good chat to a lovely friend Natasha. I realised that people normally know the right thing to do but that doing it is the hard part. I know I'm doing the right thing with Stu but that doesn't mean it isn't really difficult. Lay in bed, my pillows turned into rocks as I considered there were so many scenarios this thought could relate too. I'm going to try and remember that I know the right thing especially for myself and see if this influences things positively. After tossing and turning and massaging my jarred neck, I moved my pillows to the middle of the bed and slept soundly.

Longest day tomorrow.

Its the longest day tomorrow, there isn't a cloud in the sky this morning and everything in the world is quite and bathed in sunlight.

I've had a full and lovely weekend. Friday was hard. Stu came to pick up his stuff and it sent me into a realisation of huge attachment and loss. It was a lot nicer to see him than I thought it would be. He is as I anticipated doing really well out of the relationship. But my night involved great thirst for elderberry and lime cider. I saw a beautiful Latino singer packed in to the upstairs living room of Bar Kollo like a sardine. Had some brief enjoyable chit chats, tried both avoiding the way I felt and accepting it. I think the most enjoyable part of the evening was when Clara and I came back shattered at about 12 o clock and drank herbal tea listening to Joni Mitchell.

Saturday I went into Hexham and had a very needed shiatsu from Jenny. As soon as I lay down I could feel my body surrendering to letting go of some of the crap its been stubbornly holding on to. Felt immediately better after a treatment of well over an hour. Grounded and spaced at the same time, had myself a pot of tea and a cheese scone in a cafe whilst indulging in a bit of my book. Met the lovely Elena for a catch up over the sharing of an amazing piece of strawberry sponge and another pint of tea.

School fair, very typically in the pouring rain. Bed for an hour, more tea and chats with Jenny, then a couple of hours at my mum's with family and my uncle and his wife to be followed by a serious curry at my sister and Paul's hanging out with the newest family member Chloe.

Yesterday was similarly full, swimming with all the Hexham babes. Allotment which is bursting full of flowers. Emma has a new allotment right next door to my old one, complete with out buildings, a cherry tree, plumb tree, apple, raspberries, grape vines! Seriously beautiful. I was a deck chair buddy for the first hour, then Sarah came over and we all got motivated. I dug a patch without knowing why at first then realised its the perfect spot for my apple tree. Might move it on the Sostice but need to check because their are lots of tiny apples already.

Read a really funny book called 'Every man's code of proper conduct.' It said some great things about education. Namely that it is a life's work and needs to be physical, intellectual and spiritual. I also liked the bit about how its our concious that makes us different from animals and we must listen to it often to judge for ourselves if we are in the right or the wrong. Finally statement that really resonated with me was on conversation- speech is silver and silence is golden. Think carefully about what you say as you can't un say it. I'm pretty immediate and spontaneous with what I say and luckily it often works out for me but thought it was a good lesson to remember.

The sail just needs to be open and love starts

Feel like I should sleep but my mind is busy and flitting from thought to thought so I've decided its better to give in and write.

I began reading 'Love poems from God' this evening a collection of spiritually nurturing prose. The first page I opened the book to was a Rumi quote ' On a day when the wind is perfect, the sail just needs to open and the love starts. Today is such a day.' Love is my religion. I have spent a large part of my life hungry for spiritual knowledge, searching and seeking for answers to the un-knowable. Love is the common thread, the divine, the mystery of creation, the truth within a human heart and as e e cumming's said 'the wonder that keeps the stars apart.'

I am living very much on a week by week cycle at the moment. Plans are limited to a few memorable dates. I am trusting that this is right for now and that everything will enfold in time.

Relationships are building at work and my pupil and I are building trust on the understanding that what ever happens on a day by day basis nothing has changed from a relationship perspective. I will still be there. Consistency is paying off slowly. I'm learning a lot about the gentle selflessness needed to put a child first. I have increased respect and love for mothers, especially my own. The difference is he was not born with unconditional love and I have to hope circumstances mean I can be there to build a sustainable relationship. I'm learning, trial and error little by little every day. It's rewarding, he is a very loving little boy.

My main aim as I go to sleep tonight is to be open to all the love that surrounds me in the simplest form and to allow it to encourage me, lift my spirits and wake up refreshed.

All the love that you feel is your own.

The past couple of weeks I have been soul searching and made a difficult decision to end my relationship with Stu. I'm not going to go into too much detail in this forum. But those who know me well know we've had our up's and down's and patterns of behaviour. Bottom line is we don't bring out the best in each other. Sometimes loving someone isn't enough to mean that the relationship is a compatible match.

I have had so much love, support and understanding from close friends. Women are so amazing in their emotional intelligence and understanding. In some cases I haven't needed to say much, there has an unspoken understanding. Right decision, duffey heart.

On Friday I got taken out for dinner by my Mum, with Charlotte, Emma and Clara. I couldn't really eat but was great to be with strong women. Afterwards Emma and I walked to the Ouseburn arm in arm and had a well needed heart chat.We realised it had been months and months since we had gone out for drinks just the two of us. Its funny how in the beginning of a relationship, friendship or otherwise time to court each other and get to know how the other thinks/ feels is prioritised. Crazy that this goes by the way side after the relationship is 'secure.' I had a slow day yesterday, lots of resting, and sorting re-claiming my space. In the evening Pia, (who has become a close friend since the healing course at Earthing the Spirit last year where we really got to see and share our anxieties and fears ) went for a really long leisurely and beautifully prepared French meal at Cafe Buee- such luxury, to have 3 hours to really speak about where we were at. We had the space to ourselves, in a corner by the window. I'd like to take each of my close girl friends out and have that space to be connected.

A wise friend once bought me a book that helped my understanding of relationships hugely. The most important realisation it talked about was that all the love you feel in a relationship is all your own love. The other person is feeling their love too and the sharing of that is magical.But the end of a relationship cannot take anything away from me as all the love I've felt is my own.

So here I am again. Some time on my hands to find me again. I know that what I can be in true essence is enthusiasm and joy and I am committed to finding that before I look for another relationship. I'm so clear about what I want in a life partner but right now I will focus on being present and the love I have for my amazing family and friends.