Sun kissed and nettle stung.

Today is about catching up with myself, catching up with thoughts in bed with tea and toast, quickly moving to domestic house duties, important phone calls and organising packing. Then this afternoon Lyd, very close and beautiful friend (who is back from Australia) is coming round, I'm very excited to catch up with her. There have been lots of changes in both our lives, I think I might suggest we go for a late lunch as its pretty cold and overcast today and my house with its boxes and original bland pictures of flowers in vases feels less and less like home.

Emma and Clara, have moved out in every way bar their belongings. They will be on their way to Greece today! Its the end of a short era but in some ways a deepening of friendships. We all about to live within 5 minutes of each other, even closer for Emma and I. My personal community of Fenham is expanding by living in 151 and the near arrival of new and wonderful neighbours.

On Sunday after tackling my cupboard of doom, I went to meet a new friend at the allotment. It was surprisingly sunny and we had a really magical time. Openness, warmth, and nettle stings followed by a surprise visit from Zora and Tallulah, which included watering sunflowers with and finding grasshoppers! This was followed by an afternoon of sipping Cider in the sunshine at the Cumberland with lots of beautiful friends and lots of fun dancing to a really amazing Turkish band. After deliberating about leaving the Cumberland and dancing about at the stones below, we went home and Clara and I had a silent disco with my i pod, which although their was only 2 of us was hard to beat due to sheer energy and choice of tunes.

I didn't sleep much on Sunday night. Too much excitement and open hearted fun. Yesterday was spent mostly in bed and an early night sees me at 90% recovery.

Tonight I am seeing another original Hexham school friend Becky and her beautiful children who live in France. So all lovely! Now best go and get on with my washing.

Endings and beginnings..

First day of the summer holidays. The last two days have been amazing. Thursday we took my little lad to Whitehouse farm, to feed all the goats and the Merekat's. I got to cuddle one it was a bit like a cat, prefering its tummy to be tickled, purring and had great eyes that blinked from the sides. We were lucky with the weather and he happily played at a slight distance all day, looking back every 5 minutes or so to check that we all had our eyes on him.

At one stage he wanted to go in to the barn to pick up some feed that other people had dropped. I commented that I hoped the Goats wouldn't eat my hair and he said they wont as they hadn't tried his although mine was probably a lot more yummier!

Thursday night was almost a last night of our house before we all move on and out of 225. Emma had been drinking champagne since 1 ish, so after a fat curry, we began on the house drink of Scrumpy Jack and played shit head, which I have recently re-found from playing at school. (we call it stupid-head!) I think I got drunk fast from being tired and Emma's vibes. We had a few dancing interludes. At one stage I pulled the sunshine paper chain down, so we had a ready made rope to limber under!

Clara came back from working late and amongst playing cards we all sang, lots of songs which will always remind me of the house, especially Laura Marling which Clara, Emma and I all sang to each other with smiling eyes. John and I also had a rave out moment to 'Voodoo people.'

I tried to go to bed early, but changed my mind and made an executive decision to stay awake until everyone went to bed. Great thing was I was carried by the happiness and togetherness of the previous night and woke up with happiness over ridding the tired feeling.

Yesterday at work, could of been tricky as the boy I'm teaching was going straight into respite from Forster care. I made sure we were out as he is generally a lot more engaged and so better behaved. We went to Byker pool and Macdonalds and he was happy and tired out by diving under the water to find a dive buddy for over an hour. I bought him a ball that lights up and is full of glitter,as a parting gift, it looks a bit like a universe! He left happy and I was so glad to leave for 6 weeks on a positive vibe.

After work a few of the staff got together for drinks. I got lots of praise which was really supportive and hugs from my boss, the lovely mum to all Alice and one of the key social workers. I drank 4 pints of cider rather too fast and floated off into town to have dinner with Laura before she jets off to Thailand.

Then came home to sober up and ended up having really good chats with Clara and Anna, about friendships, self awareness, psycho analysis and Freud! Today I feel quite spacey from lack of sleep. The good news is the sun is out and I know I have some time to get caught up. Emma and Clara are leaving Monday for Greece, so the house in in chaos for moving. I'm slowly sorting out my stuff. I know that by the time I pack I will be unattached to the house, but it has been a really lovely home. I hope I feel the same in my new home. I think I will but it always takes a bit of transition time.

Jenny and Chris' engagement party in Corbridge tonight. So happy for Jenny and will be lovely to celebrate their love.I hope the sunshine will stick around and excited I get to see Becky and her beautiful children Jay, Ruby and baby Rowane! Also Lyd is back from Australia so will be really joyful to get to spend some time with two of my first friends in Hexham. :)

Deserving of my own love and affection

Tonight I had a good dose of being by myself and really enjoyed how much ligher my mind feels. I missed my bus stop on the way back from work as I was engrossed in a horoscope book that came free with a magazine. I got off in town with my music blasting and the sun shinning and went to a Cafe for a large Americano. Then I got home and went with lovely friends for a couple of hours at the allotment. Late sun and picturesque clouds. I had amazing dinner made by John, then pottered upstairs and started rearranging a frame I've got of cards that I particularly love, from people I love. I had to go through a deep box of cards and letters to make sure I had what I wanted. It still has old faithful-ls and a couple of new ones from my 30th birthday.

I really love cards, both giving and receiving. It often takes me a long time to choose one for a birthday, and often I have to write them instantly when I get home. I really love post and I love cards at Christmas and my birthday more than or certainly as much as presents.

I also had a five minute meeting with Mairead down my street. Which was really lovely even though it was fleeting. We both walked a good 12 meters with big smiles beaming from our faces.

This afternoon I went bowling with the boy I teach, it was really positive to go out with him and for each of us to relate to each other in a different context.

I did affirmations to help me knock down pins. I affirmed what I wanted to enfold and if I believed it strongly enough I knocked them down. I got a strike for a baby girl which although I would be happy to have children of either sex I have affirmed since being about 6 or even younger and played with dolls constantly.

The past couple of days I have be Re- affirming an important message which is on a card in the frame I rearranged tonight,( from my lovely friend El ) which says ' You as much as anyone else in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.'

This belief is one I have thought about and made promises to embodied in different forms for years. I have numerous books which begin with an affirmation to take better care of my self, physically, spiritually. To in all ways be mindful of giving myself time to honour where I am and be OK with what is. Most of us know instinctually the things that help us to feel strong and to see beauty, for me a big thing is to simply be in nature. Why is it so often a struggle to make time?

I think the answer lies in our inherent belief system that we don't deserve to be happy, we don't feel fully deserving of our love and affection.

I watched an interesting TED talk on Saturday morning and this guy talked about doing 30 day challenges for your own growth. To decide on habits or ways of living that you'd like to have in your life and commit to doing them for 30 days. I've also noticed recently old habits I seem to have lost. Things I neglect to do in a relationship. I'm going to attempt to massage my feet for at least 5 minutes every day. My body always appreciates it and although I would love to do Yoga every day or meditate I have tried to manifest those many times and my discipline or my belief isn't quite there just yet.

Only a memory away.

Today my immediate family and I will travel down to Manchester to go to my Nana Ivy's funeral. I'm am saying something at the church and the process of writing and remembering the huge impact she had on my childhood has been really humbling. I hope that I can be strong while I read it and that it will be a small comfort to my Dad to see how loved she was by us. In a way it feels like a focus, it will be sad to say goodbye but the kindness and selflessness my Nana demonstrated will live on in our hearts.

Last night I went for a beautiful meal cooked by my sisters fair hands. My Mum and Bernard picked me up from town and it was good to have a really chilled night. My Mum had bought Joseph and Izzy new scooters and their faces light up all happy when they saw me. I was having a good chat to my Mum and we both got fully embraced by my sister. It was a lovely connected moment.

Had a lovely chat to my dear friend El. We have a deep understanding and total mutual acceptance and respect for how each other feels and lives and I never fail to feel totally uplifted when we speak to each other.

The rest of this week, back to work tomorrow, hopefully allotment Thursday. Then I am home in Hexham again Friday to have a catch up with Jenny and get ready for a big family do. My Nana and Grandad's 60th Diamond wedding anniversary party. So big contrasts. Always great to see all my cousins though and the new generation which is emerging...

Dancing and skies

After a bit of a low energy, rainy Saturday the sky turned a very ominous shade of black at about 6.30 I was meeting Elena off the bus and she was running fast towards me looking at the almost cartoon like daunting sky, the heavens opened and made way for clear sky's a beautiful half moon and a really needed brilliant night with my house, Matt soon to be my neighbour again, and lots of beautiful Fenham folk.

We were at the Tanners and the Star and Shadow supporting a free Tibet night that Tenzin had put on. My house has been a hive of activity as Emma was busily making lots of prayer flags for the décor on Friday night. My cutting and craft skills weren't up to helping after a busy week 2 glasses of Rose with a old work college went straight to my head. The night was a real example of what like minded people can create when they share their strengths. Highlights included dancing with Elena and playing a funny game of table football in which I was awful but passionate. Also lots of chatting with so many lovely friends. I'm happy to be staying in Fenham!

Sunday was equally glorious. I didn't have that much sleep but luckily the sunshine was out in force. I had a really good catch up with Matt who is back after 2 years in China, then headed to the Cumberland for afternoon Pimms drinking, danced lots to the Bagdaddies who never fail to put a smile on my face, then headed to Emma's allotment to lay around in long grass and cloud watch. We even got some collective cuddles happening, I definitely need cuddles for my emotional and mental well being. So it was a perfect ending to a beautiful and really social weekend. Excited for lazy allotment days in the summer holidays.

Today after talking about how much I'm enjoying my job. I had a demanding day, lots of kick off's triggers unknown. I am learning a lot though , and I appreciate my own time so much more. Roast dinner today, to make up for missing out yesterday, followed by Yoga with the amazing Jambo.

Recipe for broken hearts

Recipe for a broken heart.

Walk around in beauty.

Look far into the sky often.

Listen for the birds and watch swallows swooping.

Find some flowers and sunshine, breath deeply into your soul and allow peace to fill you up.

Drink lots of tea with good friends that understand you well.

Buy some expensive chocolates, champagne truffles work well.

Have one a night as a moment of unadulterated pleasure.

Take a walk by the sea and observe how the sea never fails to kiss the shore.

Feel all of your love and allow it to spill out into the world.

See the awe and wonder in the trees.

Allow the wind to blow through your ears and listen to the song of the breeze.

Be quick to smile at children.

See the small moments of joy and notice syncronicitity.

Listen to music that helps your heart soar.

Watch as the world opens up and trust that you will grow.

Nana Ivy.

4th of July, I've just found out that my dear Nana Ivy has passed away. I know there will be so many tears shed from me and my family for the loss of her kindness and presence in our lives but right now I feel a sense of total love and appreciation for all the tireless and unconditional love she has given to me.

From being a little girl of around 3 and a half my Mum went back to work 3 days and my Nana has always been there. She picked up my sister and I everyday from school for 6 years, come rain or shine. I will remember her as an example of perfect patience. She would wait as long as it took us to get home from school and even bought a double pram for us when we were 4 and 5, and much too big to push us home. We were always greeted with a smile great warmth and a magical bag full of sweets. My Nana taught my sister and I not to be late. (We were always a good 10 minutes early for the bus) A habit we have both carried through our lives. The first question we were greeted with was what we would like for tea. My sister was vegetarian from age 6 so she made us separate meals. My sister and I had times of being quite cheeky, we used to put grapes on her seat. We had whole summers of particular films like Annie or Greece every day and hen it had finished we in variably said we wanted it on again! My Nana didn't mind. She never got cross for more than a moment and always had a good laugh at our childish antics. Nana Ivy thought of her family before herself and was such an example of selflessness.

My Nana lived for her family, for her 5 children, 10 grandchildren and 8 great grandchildren. Never missing a birthday and giving each of us the things children need the most to be nurtured. Time and love.

I can see my Nana smiling and rushing around to make sure everyone is fed. I saw my Nana for the last time yesterday, surrounded by so many of my extended family. I hope she is with my Granddad, who passed away almost 8 years ago to the day on the 5th July. A gentle, wonderful man who was was funny and generous to everyone he met. My life has been so much richer for having these 2 most lovely Grandparents in it and now they are at peace.