Buds and following the hearts path.

Today I bought a red dress. I don't need a new dress, but it was in a sale. It is a beautiful flattering cut, I tried to dismiss it, but as the store was about to close I realised that I don't own a red dress except for a extravagant silk Calvin Klien full length gown, courtesy of my Mum's shopping trips in the U.S. I came home and put it straight on, like I used to do as a child. I feel uplifted by its bright hue and its newness.

This weekend has been lovely, yet there has been a background feeling of sadness. On Friday I received a call from my dear friend Lyd in Australia, I had text that morning and answered at work just to arrange another time to speak. She told me that a school friend Fen, had climbed a crane the night before and fell 45 meters to his death. I felt calm on the phone to Lyd and was briefly able for her to say how she felt and arrange to speak on Sunday. It was when I got off the phone that I felt like the ground was being moved beneath me. Its a strange spaced out feeling I think is difficult to put into words. I had it when my step brother passed away. The shock that that person is gone feels so unreal. I kept drifting off in my thoughts and seeing Fen's face. Always bright and smiling.

The lesson I am taking from this tragedy is that we just don't know how long we have in this life, so I must cease every day and follow the path of my heart. I've decided this summer to go to Australia and stay with Lydia. I have my first 6 weeks of paid holiday in my career. How better to celebrate this wonderful fact. I spoke with Lyd today and maybe if she has holiday enough we will go to New Zealand. Lyd's going to be living in Byron Bay a very special place I visited whilst on a world trip with my then boyfriend Matty. We met my sister Charlotte and Glenn in Australia and had the best days of out trip in Byron. We were travelling up the East coast, and kept saying 'we should of stayed in Byron.'

I can feel the onset of spring, there are little changes all around, so many buds and the beginning of the crocuses. I feel change in myself also. I'm seriously considering getting a dog, to be with me at school. So researching the therapeutic aspects and positive impact this can have. Going to give it lots of thought, I think it would have to be the right dog, to cope with the boisterous and often aggressive nature of my boys, but I can see how positively they would respond to it. Also Jack has said he'd be up for taking the dog to work sometimes so that could help, if I'm doing home visits or the boys are too unsettled.

Had a wonderful beach day at Allenmouth yesterday, for Paddy and Olive's birthday. Clara, Jo and I were slightly concerned we wouldn't find them. We needn't of worried, they were a colourful tribe of instant recognition, top hats, gowns and feathers as we walked over the brow of the hill. We picnic'd, I walked as a football match of great whooping competitiveness prevailed. Then a group of about 8 ran naked into the sea! We watched the moon rise, the sky change and the sun set, then we all went to the pub to get cosy by the fire.

Soon I'm going for dinner with lovely Emma C, my house mate. Were trying out a Lebanese place that has been heartily recommended by a few folk, so should be lovely.

Heavy work days and hormones

This week has been the toughest, work wise, since qualifying as a teacher. So now I have 4. 4 wonderful boys. Individually they have so much to give, are so funny and clever and imaginative. As a combination this week has just been chaos. My new boy is severely autistic, he makes traffic noises whilst navigating himself around school. He also wants to be in an imaginary land, where he is a taxi driver. One on one he is very polite, pleasant adult company. He has little idea about games and social interaction, so I'm working on that one. What he hates is children! So throw him together with 3 very challenging, volatile children behaviourally and boom! Sparks are going to fly.

My eldest boy thinks it is fun top frighten the autistic boy, he also can't cope with the level of fractious, unpredictable outbursts which are a tool my new pupil uses to keep people away!

There have been moments of sheer ludicrousness. I haven't known whether to laugh or cry. There are times I feel like I handled the situation well and other moments when I was just reacting. The intensity of it without much of a break has been totally full on. Especially since, the last two mornings its all kicked off before 9.30 am.

The great thing is I have the backing of a really great and understanding manager and work really closely and really well with the kids key worker. Home has been a very harmonious contrast. I can literally feel the tension of the day draining from my shoulders as I enter Sidney Grove. I have been sleeping really well. Touch wood and getting lots of cuddles and good chats with my love.

Reading an amazing and very empowering book at the moment. 'Taking charge of your fertility.' It unravels the mystery of the female reproductive cycle and is a very detailed response for how to avoid pregnancy without hormones. Don't worry Mum! I will be responsible. :) It feels really important to be able to do something other than hormones, which make me feel like I'm really out of sync with my body. Would recommend it. There is another way!

Friday tomorrow. Phew! Dinner with some very wonderful ladies to look forward. Then Justine's party on Saturday. For a dose of silliness, fun and plenty of dancing. Oh yeah!