All is calm

All is calm after a peaceful night of pampering with lovely house-mates. Its rare that I do face packs, normally can't be bothered with the gunk, but this one was like a face cloth and left us all glowing. We had foot baths and generally relaxed by candle light. I've decided to call my owl Archie, he glares at me his intense questioning stare- eyebrows raised,we have been getting acquainted.

The week has flown by, today I nearly got blown over the moor, I could of flown away if I had an umbrella! The friendly cows are back, I had my music blasting and my hair was being blown all over my face so I was a bit surprised to see a small heard running towards the path.

Had 2 beautiful nights out, a lovely meal and catch up with Elena, and dub in the pub with Jeanette last night, Stu is looking for houses I know that is a big factor in his unrest.

The boys have been lovely although testing the boundaries a little further, I'm convinced wind makes children wild, both boys flew off after school today, I felt like one of those mothers who is shouting to control their children. Conrad wanted to make perfume for Susie from rose petals today, it reminded me of being a child and the concoctions my sister and I came up with involving browning rose petals and blossom. He and Morgan mixed rose petals a little blended oil with lavender, sugar and lemon in a jam jar and made a label. Very sweet. :)

Had a lovely morning in nursery too, young children are so welcoming and warm, I wonder what year 5 will have in store for me tomorrow?

I don't like packet ham.

I woke up this morning after a decent sleep and I feel really upset. Stu and I had such a difficult weekend, with arguments about the most banal shit. I feel like in some ways I shouldn't write about it on here but I know he would never dream of reading it, and all I really want to do is resolve my mind a bit so I can move on and stop crying!

Up until this weekend, my birthday weekend, things have been going really well, I feel like are communication has got loads better, Stu has been a lot more involved in my family, we've been having a lovely time.

This weekend we started off tired and late for a meal invite at a friends house. I wasn't too impressed by being so late, this is a regular thing, but after initially saying we really need to leave and maybe we shouldn't have a cup of tea! I bit my tongue and we set off having some good chats on the way, then we got lost, so spent 2 hours driving the scenic route and hour of that was driving in circles. I stayed mainly calm and apologised that I expect he knows where he is going.

We had a lovely time at friends house, beautiful meal, relaxed company. We left about 2 the next day, got to Waitrose to buy some stuff for a sandwich on the way home- Stu made some un-necessary remark about not liking packet ham and coleslaw, I pretty much ignored him at first, then pointed out it was un necessary and ungrateful and got a good torrent of abuse about how I wasn't trying to do something nice I was just getting what I wanted. I told him to stop and that he wouldn't be getting any.

We got back to my Mum's he ignored me for at least 20 minutes. I cooled down a bit and tried to go in to diffuse the situation without having an argument, within 5 minutes there was loads of shouting again. Its like if I criticise Stu he throws loads of upsetting insults back, he kicked off saying I was selfish and only thought of myself, I told him if that's what he though he should leave.

We just about sorted it out, he upset me further by complaining about the money I have had to borrow over the past 3 months. He left I cried, then had a wonderful night with Jenny and Charlotte and a lot of champagne Bellini. Next day, I managed to get in touch about 1 ish and had another argument over the phone about what his plans were. I waiting around till 3.40 to see him and sort things out, he dropped me back in town, as I was meeting someone at 5. I asked if he could drop my stuff off, he said yes but never turned up. I have no charger so have been unable to call him or brush my teeth.

I wrote an email asking if he plans to drop them off and explaining why I am upset.

I know we can sort it out and that mostly things are good, but weekends like this make me reassess the entire relationship. I know that relationships are what we choose for ourselves. I don't choose this. I will go over now as there is no response, get my stuff. Stay calm. Let him respond to my email. Be supportive but also realistic, I know it probably sounds drastic but if it doesn't improve I will leave. I resent feeling so uptight and upset and in these type of situations all we really achieve is bringing out the worse in each other.

The early bird catches the worm

It happens twice a year and yet always I seem to be baffled by the clocks. Often I am puzzled by if they have gone forwards or back, now I remember 'spring forward'. I was realising that I don't actually know if British summer time always falls at the same weekend each year? It's happened a few times the weekend after my birthday, the lost hour has been sourly felt on a few occasions, but I don't know if that's coincidental. It also doesn't help that modern technology tricks the mind by cleverly readjusting the time, automatically! I think the only clock which has the correct time in a house full of clocks- is this computer!

Yesterday was a whirl of emotions- Stu and I both tired had a ridiculous argument that I won't go into much detail but involved a ham sandwich as a catalyst. I was royally pissed off and went to bed for a bit in the afternoon to calm down.

Last night I went for dinner and extended celebrations at Jenny's. It was entirely everything I needed. My happiness levels had risen again within about half an hour and spending time with Jenny and my sister put the day in perspective. Charlotte is brilliant, her view on life and love never minces a word and both Jenny and her have my admiration and respect for their strength and honesty so I was in excellent hands. I also got to do a treasure hunt involving coconut mushrooms to find my present- the trail led all the upstairs to an original, amazing ink drawing of an anarchy inspired owl, which I love! J and I had been to the Settle down cafe with fingal on a few occasions, notably when we went to get Fingal his first haircut, :) I had always admired this particular artists work- so much so that I visualised the owl on the chimney breast of Stu's perspective house. I also got a beautiful card from Charlotte and co where Joseph had done some art which looked spookily like it to was anarchy inspired- amongst the big A were lots of hearts and a wolverine claw! I lay in bed for a while last night trying to suss out the owl's name. Char thought Headwick, from Harry Potter, Ja-izwick sprung to mind as did Archy. Think I'll have to get better acquainted till I can make a final decision. I also got bubbles, we got through a fair amount of champagne and peach Bellini with raspberries. A brilliant and well needed mix of letting off steam, funny antidotes and setting our lives to rights.

Lots of pink cherry blossom is popping up, love been born at this time of year! Heart souring teeny tiny baby lambs speckle the landscape and the living world is singing out with colour.

I am an early bird, but recognise I'm still tired from feeling frayed around the edges- so a book in bed, with a second cup of tea, followed by a walk in the sunshine is my start to the day.

Turning Thirty!!

Last night Roald Dahl's 'Twisted tales' delivered all the tension and subtlety of character that I anticipated, it was great to see some of my favourite stories dramatised. Stu and I went for a half afterwards and walked through Leasers park, past the lake lined with ducks and took note of my birthday eve stars shining in the sky.

This morning I woke up at 6.30, Stu had an early morning start in York, so I woke up hazily and had my first presents in bed with a cup of tea. A beautiful bracelet from Stuey - silver, with lots of dainty dried flowers captured in glass bubbles. My favourite forget me nots, rose buds and other tiny beauties. :) He did very well as its hard for Stu to buy something which isn't useful- his first ideas had been along the lines of a leather jacket, so I can ride on the back of his motorbike, which I pointed out was a present for me for him. After I emphasised I'd really like something to keep forever he came up the idea of a pen knife!

As It was only 5 to 7 when Stu left I had more tea in bed and read some poetry from 'Staying Alive' Some tragic news got me thinking about the reckless uncertainties of life. Beautiful souls are ripped from the world too young everyday. I read some poetry that really immortalised the sense of loss, and the not knowing that is sometimes the only constant.There is no rhyme or reason to the world. The only way I can think of this positively is to be awake and alert to everything around me as much as possible.

I had a lovely breakfast in a transformed lounge that my beautiful house mate Emma had prepared the night before- sunshine banners, party poppers and an array of cards, gifts and flowers finished off fantastically by my monkey!

Walked to my meeting at another teaching agency with my new swanky Cath Kiddson shoulder bag, just had lovely skype session with my Mum and B and more lovely gifts. Some really thoughtful gorgeous things to keep forever. I'm feeling lucky and have lots of celebrating still to be done.

Now going to get clean, ran out of time faffing this morning and get myself to the allotment, and into the birthday spirit. Having big lamb dinner today with loads of veggies, my favourite. Some bubbles and maybe a bit of dancing out at a band night on at Barcolo if we've still got some energy to burn!

Simple things that make me happy.

1, Love!

2, Spending quality time with family, beautiful friends, sharing our lives, connecting.

3, Synchronicity, when life and the moment in time feels like it magically falls into place.

4, Experiencing the changing of the seasons.

5, Smiling at strangers.

6, White washing blowing in the sunshine.

7, The sky! at dawn, dusk, the moon, Venus! Rainbows!

8, The sound of children laughing and the funny things they say. Eg, Izzy age 4 'I live in Paris!'

9, Nature, the sea, the woods, rivers, sunshine, bird song, sunshine.

10, Brilliant books lay outside in the sunshine or in bed, all cosy with cups of tea.

11, Post!

12, Walking or travelling with music the landscape is transformed.

13, Full cupboards.

14, Lazy allotment days and picnics.

15, Dancing, writing, being in the moment- my ability to dream and procrastinate!!

16, Fires! Especially outside.

17, Singing, with friends and outside alone where I can't be heard!

18, Forget me not flowers, Sunflowers, Bluebells in the woods, Sweet peas.

19, Friendly cats and loyal dogs, especially the beautiful Crunchy cat at the moment.

20, Adventures, trains, aeroplanes, beaches, being a tourist.

21, Raspberries, cherry's and strawberries in season..

Scooters, spring and the sea!

Its a blue sky sunny Monday- first official day of spring. I had a magical weekend so am feeling really happy.

Friday night we caught up with my Sister and Paul. My little sis is a lovely cook and had been on a curry mission for 4 hours! We had a beautiful meal and a really chilled evening with a few glasses of vino. I feel like S and P are finding more common ground and had lots to chat about, always good as my family are my number 1.

Saturday morning we were woke early by whispering of little people giggling and arguing.. Two gorgeous little people came in to the bedroom to wish us good morning. Izzy got straight into bed for a snuggle. Joseph a bit too cool for this at age 6 asked for a snack and so I went to get fruit and set him up with cartoons.

When I got back Izzy and Stu had already started on the pillow fight. I later found out Stu started it!

We went down stairs pretty quickly, I made a rule for no play fighting before 9 and the kids and Stu played games and made a huge paper snake before breakfast.

We scooted down to the park about 10. Izzy has this amazingly cute style on her pink scooter where she gets going then kicks her leg up like she's in a movie! It's amazing the difference between girls and boys! We went by the river for a bit of a ramble and explore.

Before 1 we had run around playing football, done the play park and hide and seek a picnic and pooh sticks. The afternoon was building Mama's condo out of lego, toy story 3 and the shopping game. It was a lovely day, we were both shattered afterwards! Amazingly beautiful full moon in the evening!

Yesterday I had a magical day by the sea with a good friend for my birthday. Tynemouth market which I love! Got some beautiful painted wooden buttons, butterfly's for me, hearts with flowers for Emma. Had fish and chips looking at the sea. Found a rock in the sunshine and sent love to my mum across the sea, thought about how powerful the sea is! The sky looked super low either that or the tide was high. We had a big walk through the sands, and a pint and a half of Guinness looking at the sea!

Last night I went for a beautiful Persian feast at a lovely friends to celebrate Naw Ruiz.

Today sees me cracking on with applications, then a walk in the spring sunshine down to town for 2 interviews with agencies. Got to improve my working scenario with my enthusiasm and commitment..one woman I'm meeting in particular sounds lovely so fingers crossed, times are changing with the season. :)

Self esteem.

A good friend of mine that I caught up with at the weekend said something very wise that has got me thinking. She said that working is really tied up with her self esteem. The same is true for me. In teaching I know that I give so much but the returns are rich and when children are involved fuelled with humour. The routine and timings of the school day suit me well too. I am so ready to put all I have learnt into practice.

Supply work has been sparse and with the RGS interview I had to turn down a whole week of work. After my 8 days of work and needing to get to Barley Mow in Gateshead everyday, I ended up with bank charges of £130! A very polite letter written whilst really quite upset about the whole palava paid off yesterday when the charges were returned to me.

I have some part time work starting with 2 gorgeous boys, (friends children, aged 4 and 6) starting next week, I got a very warm welcome when I arrived on Monday to find out a bit more about it. I was met with a 'welcome to our house Ellie' and showered with conversation about the significant toys, we had a very sweet meeting about the problem they have with the roof, opened with 'how are we going to work together to fix the roof?'

I'm sure I will enjoy their mischief, its a lovely time of year to walk over the moor and to go to the park after school or make Easter nests. Also if I do get offered a full week of work I can be flexible enough to take it.

I had a period amnesia this week, which was puzzling and really tiring physically and emotionally. Although I knew the likelihood of pregnancy was doubtful the head does race off and tend to have to reconsider the whole future..

Stu is enjoying creating a home in new potential abode, it is never without companions. Were both certainly not short of social endeavours.

I am soon to chat on skype with my Mum, who is in second home in America. There are a few lovely social arrangements to look forward to this week, this weekend I will be in Hexham to look after the extremely gorgeous Joseph and Izzy. We will probably go swimming and tire them out, otherwise poor Stu will be totally exhausted from a day of none stop play fighting. Izzy light up in recognition the other day, I thought she was going to give Stu a cuddle, but a cheeky smile and a friendly thump were more the order of the day!

Free guiness at Pitcher and Piano for St Paddy's day, will have to get vouchers sorted for that!

Going to see Roald Dahl's twisted tales on Wednesday for a birthday treat and am being taken for a Tynemouth walk on the beach and fish and chips on Sunday before the Equinox. Lucky me.

Spring! :)

Spring is on her way! It has been a slow waking up this year after the most intense winter I can remember in my life. My good friend Paul is up in Fenham since yesterday. We have had blustery walks and smatterings of sunshine with some heavy rain, hale and even a rainbow thrown into the mix today! There are buds on the blossom trees and soon we will be intoxicated by sunshine and swirl of pink fluttering from the trees!

I've been feeling deflated about the lack of teaching work today. Really wanna get out there and it! Put the last year and a half into practice. There is a job on Westgate road, around the corner come up today. It will all come right in the end.

Had a very funny impromptu evening last night, lots of laughter, wine, catching up and silly games. Just what I needed, have slept a good 8/9 hours all week and woken up pretty flat, then this morning after crawling into bed at 3:30, I woke up after an initial stretch, was up dancing to a Pop tribute on radio 6. Prince 'Raspberry beret' ha ha.

My mum and Bernard have ventured off on a 3 month jaunt. I'm sure the sea and the sun will have them glowing. :)

Our cat crunchie is so sweet, she looks a bit like a Victorian urchin cat, all greased up bless her from her ear drops, she keeps trying to sit on my laptop when its cold!

Aqua fit tomorrow then dinner with the lovely Elena, which will be lush, haven't caught up properly in a couple of months.

Aqua fit at 12! Think slightly earlier night is in order tonight.

RGS Interview

Yesterday was an emotional roller-coaster! I had an interview at RGS for a year 3 teacher which was coupled with the role of Drama coordinator. Amazing opportunity. I spent a few days preparing my lessons and made sure I was suitable suited and booted.

On the morning of the interview, I had more adrenaline than if I were about to perform in a show, the analogy is actually pretty close, I was on show for an entire day. The good news was that after an initial bought of nerves I relaxed enough to really enjoy the day, the Headmasters and all members of staff I met were disarmingly charming. I took a few deep breaths before my maths lesson and thought as my Mum had told me, there is nothing more I can do, so just relax and be myself.

The 35 minute numeracy lesson whizzed by in a flash, the children were extremely well behaved, I got there attention immediately by introducing them to my monkey puppet, then was impressed by their mental maths and ability to explain how they worked things out, I think I challenged them, which was part of the audit. I left feeling like it had gone well all be it that my timings were out.

The senior school was incredibly impressive, there is a wood panelled hall, with high ceilings, arched windows, wooden benches and notable dates around the 4 sides, there was a great buzz in the lunch hall as the seniors, juniors and teachers all lunched together, surrounded by very impressive art work by the sixth formers.

My year 6 drama lesson was next, I felt confident with my choice of material, and it was comforting that I kept seeing the odd familiar face, past students from West Jesmond, some with little recognition and a few with glimpses of familiarity in their eyes. Rolly Craig the Junior Head master and a very likeable chap had already said at the beginning of the day that we could thank him for not giving us a particular year 6 form, whilst waiting for my class to arrive, he commented that he could always get this particular class, I replied bring it on, which he laughed at and said it probably wouldn't be a problem as I've taught in a women's prison.

The children were very quick in the drama lesson, we played a game were children have to reach a certain target by bouncing a ball across a circle, only one bounce is allowed, its a game I picked up in clown doctor training. The cohort wanted to set their target at 55. I asked for further suggestions and persuaded them to come up with 20, no group of children I have taught has reached a target of 20 straight off. The RGS kids reached 55! I actually stopped them there and congratulated them because I wanted to ensure we got through all the material I had prepared.

Formal interviews next. Walnut wood panelled office of the senior head, who was lovely. Felt like it had gone well, there are always a few more things I think of to say in retrospect but I got into the conversation lots of the things I had wanted to and felt they had seen who I am.

Second interview Rolly the dude headmaster, (what an amazing name is Rolly!) All went well, he asked me to explain various forms of theatre and I established that it would be possible to teach some drama with the seniors. I got a lovely moment with Rolly when he saw me out and said, the senior Headmaster would call me, he wished it was his final decision but it wasn't and he hoped I got the right response. I waited feeling sick and fuelled with adrenaline for 3 hours.

I didn't get the job, another more experienced candidate who had 10 years experience in the independent sector got it. She totally knew her stuff, and I singled her out as my highest competition within an hour. It was an inspiring experience. These children really do have a phenomenal education. It also raising questions to me about how fair a system such as RGS is.There is an entrance exam to be worthy of attending, no SEN children! The children have the most incredible facilities, including a theatre which seats 450, and the opportunity to compete nationally in every sport imaginable. Parents want the best for their children ans at over 9 grand fees they certainly pay a premium to do so. I would of loved to work somewhere where all my drama and performance work would of been equal importance to my role as class teacher, but maybe there is a job out there where the kids are less privileged and need me more.