Buds and following the hearts path.

Today I bought a red dress. I don't need a new dress, but it was in a sale. It is a beautiful flattering cut, I tried to dismiss it, but as the store was about to close I realised that I don't own a red dress except for a extravagant silk Calvin Klien full length gown, courtesy of my Mum's shopping trips in the U.S. I came home and put it straight on, like I used to do as a child. I feel uplifted by its bright hue and its newness.

This weekend has been lovely, yet there has been a background feeling of sadness. On Friday I received a call from my dear friend Lyd in Australia, I had text that morning and answered at work just to arrange another time to speak. She told me that a school friend Fen, had climbed a crane the night before and fell 45 meters to his death. I felt calm on the phone to Lyd and was briefly able for her to say how she felt and arrange to speak on Sunday. It was when I got off the phone that I felt like the ground was being moved beneath me. Its a strange spaced out feeling I think is difficult to put into words. I had it when my step brother passed away. The shock that that person is gone feels so unreal. I kept drifting off in my thoughts and seeing Fen's face. Always bright and smiling.

The lesson I am taking from this tragedy is that we just don't know how long we have in this life, so I must cease every day and follow the path of my heart. I've decided this summer to go to Australia and stay with Lydia. I have my first 6 weeks of paid holiday in my career. How better to celebrate this wonderful fact. I spoke with Lyd today and maybe if she has holiday enough we will go to New Zealand. Lyd's going to be living in Byron Bay a very special place I visited whilst on a world trip with my then boyfriend Matty. We met my sister Charlotte and Glenn in Australia and had the best days of out trip in Byron. We were travelling up the East coast, and kept saying 'we should of stayed in Byron.'

I can feel the onset of spring, there are little changes all around, so many buds and the beginning of the crocuses. I feel change in myself also. I'm seriously considering getting a dog, to be with me at school. So researching the therapeutic aspects and positive impact this can have. Going to give it lots of thought, I think it would have to be the right dog, to cope with the boisterous and often aggressive nature of my boys, but I can see how positively they would respond to it. Also Jack has said he'd be up for taking the dog to work sometimes so that could help, if I'm doing home visits or the boys are too unsettled.

Had a wonderful beach day at Allenmouth yesterday, for Paddy and Olive's birthday. Clara, Jo and I were slightly concerned we wouldn't find them. We needn't of worried, they were a colourful tribe of instant recognition, top hats, gowns and feathers as we walked over the brow of the hill. We picnic'd, I walked as a football match of great whooping competitiveness prevailed. Then a group of about 8 ran naked into the sea! We watched the moon rise, the sky change and the sun set, then we all went to the pub to get cosy by the fire.

Soon I'm going for dinner with lovely Emma C, my house mate. Were trying out a Lebanese place that has been heartily recommended by a few folk, so should be lovely.

Heavy work days and hormones

This week has been the toughest, work wise, since qualifying as a teacher. So now I have 4. 4 wonderful boys. Individually they have so much to give, are so funny and clever and imaginative. As a combination this week has just been chaos. My new boy is severely autistic, he makes traffic noises whilst navigating himself around school. He also wants to be in an imaginary land, where he is a taxi driver. One on one he is very polite, pleasant adult company. He has little idea about games and social interaction, so I'm working on that one. What he hates is children! So throw him together with 3 very challenging, volatile children behaviourally and boom! Sparks are going to fly.

My eldest boy thinks it is fun top frighten the autistic boy, he also can't cope with the level of fractious, unpredictable outbursts which are a tool my new pupil uses to keep people away!

There have been moments of sheer ludicrousness. I haven't known whether to laugh or cry. There are times I feel like I handled the situation well and other moments when I was just reacting. The intensity of it without much of a break has been totally full on. Especially since, the last two mornings its all kicked off before 9.30 am.

The great thing is I have the backing of a really great and understanding manager and work really closely and really well with the kids key worker. Home has been a very harmonious contrast. I can literally feel the tension of the day draining from my shoulders as I enter Sidney Grove. I have been sleeping really well. Touch wood and getting lots of cuddles and good chats with my love.

Reading an amazing and very empowering book at the moment. 'Taking charge of your fertility.' It unravels the mystery of the female reproductive cycle and is a very detailed response for how to avoid pregnancy without hormones. Don't worry Mum! I will be responsible. :) It feels really important to be able to do something other than hormones, which make me feel like I'm really out of sync with my body. Would recommend it. There is another way!

Friday tomorrow. Phew! Dinner with some very wonderful ladies to look forward. Then Justine's party on Saturday. For a dose of silliness, fun and plenty of dancing. Oh yeah!

Fenham Christmas time

Coming back into the world today after Christmas festivities. Had Christmas day, Fenham style with Emma, Rog, Clara and Frenchie. Woke up, had hot chocolate and stockings in bed, with Clara. We had bought each other some of the same gifts, ginger chocolate, heather honey lip balm, socks and pukka tea. Morning continued with plenty of flowing prosecco and lots of presents. Stayed in my PJ's until gone 2 O clock. Bath with a lush bath bomb, new Christmas jumper from my Nana and new make up goodies from my Mum and Em.

By 3 we were all out on the Moor outside Emma's singing harmony's together, including 'the troubles of the world' then inside for a good bit of pre dinner dancing.

Christmas dinner was magnificent. Gorgeous huge, 20 pound turkey with all the trimmings, including sprouts with walnuts and chorizo! The day was gorgeous, filled with warmth and laughter, I did get a little heart string pull listening to Joseph and Izzy describe what they got for Christmas, and said love you on the phone. The mood of the day was very merry though, we decided we were merry and grateful, a glorious state to be.

Christmas night, my urge to see Jack, who was really poorly in bed got the better of me, I bounded over in Reindeer antlers, spilt red wine everywhere on arrival, then got enveloped in hugs, which coupled with such powerful sleepy energy meant I was very content to watch Narnia and be cosy.

The last 2 days I've watched 5 films, which is more than I've watched in the past 3 months. Jack and I have been in a bed land, complete with lots of chocolate. It has been needed hibernation and complete relaxation time for us both. We did go to a lovely fire at Em'd boxing day night with great chats and plenty of red wine and Stilton. Last night we got up for a take away curry before returning to another film.

Today I'm heading into town, seeing the very lovely Elena and generally enjoying the gift of time.

One of the best gifts I got was from Clara may and is a modern and very beautiful version of the Karma Sutra. I began reading it from my bed yesterday and an idea that I really like is that being in love is actually are natural state. The hight-end state of awareness, increased senses and happiness. I'm reflecting on what I would like from 2012 and a state of permanently being in love is definitely up there.

Hurray for love!

Sipping Scrumpy Jack waiting for Jack to go for a date, out for dinner, so thought I would seize the moment! Life feels like a million moments of beauty pouring over me, interspersed with chaos from school. Autumn is nearly dust, the coldness is creeping in with the darkness.. Totally up for embracing the cosy energy of house fires that brings.

I feel very suited to my job, the routine suites me perfectly and it means I don't really have to think past 4 o clock. The dynamics of the group are ever changing. My first boy is now an angel as the 2 newest cohort members push boundaries, run off in a big display of being escape artists and see just how horrible they need to be to get retrained, or so it seems. Luckily the hands off approach, unless the child is a danger to himself or others continuously surprises them!

The best thing about the approach of the Solstice is the sky! I have said before and will say again that the sky is my favourite place. The other morning I emerged a little sleepy eyed to hauntingly beautiful pink clouds, raising in swirls above me. Its enough just to be present and to really see.

Also loving the Frozen Planet at the moment. Amazing cinematography and a real sense of animals surviving against all the odds! I spoke to my lovely Mum just before. She will be home a week yesterday!

Last weekend was a wonderful insight into the world of my love. We danced all night to a Blues brothers tribute band and lots of old funk and soul tracks. Had two romantic car journeys, a trip down memory lane for him, all lovely!

Hurray for love in all its roller-coaster like emotions! I would happily embrace all the tears and heart ache that are possible, for the true joy which comes from falling in love with someone and the discovery of how there soul meets mine. There are no expectations, no obligations, just freedom to be all that we are and can possibly be.

Women's circle

November has begun! How did that happen! I am 2 days into my contract and feeling more committed to strategies and working out planning systems which will keep my boys happy.

The clocks went back at the weekend and so darkness and cosyness have seeped in. My morning sunrise walks to the bus stop and the incredible Autumn colours are keeping me bright and cheerful as are morning cups of tea and breakfast with the beautiful Jack.

I went to a powerful and hugely uplifting sacred women's circle for Samhain on Monday night, at the cabins in Ovingham. 11 women many of which had met for the first time that night, opened a circle in a small clearing in a beautiful clearing by the river. The night was calm, mild and magical, with an astonishing low hung waning moon. We had a beautiful fire, joined hands with the intention of opening up our hearts and the energy that was created was so clear and connected. I still feel like I'm in a raised state of conciousness. Not in some hippy way but in a tangible helpful way. In each moment that I am present the beauty of the world reveals itself to me more fully.

One of the ladies at the circle put it into words beautifully, its a sense I've had about 6 years ago when I spent long times in my past family home garden at Marden House, praying and meditating- it is possible to be in love with the world. To be truly in the present and in my heart a love affair is offered. Where ever you are, what ever you feel, the beauty of the world, the symmertry and synchronicity beckons you to be filled with love and joy.

Threes and nines

Its the beginning of the half term holidays, I felt almost dizzy with excitement yesterday! Today I'm a little sleepy from playing out and drinking cocktails with Jenny, Emma and Kat until I was all danced out and truly tired to the bones of my feet, I woke up early, am sleepy in a warm, tea in bed fashion and feel very content to have 9 days of freedom.

I found out last week that I have a fixed term contract at work for a year. I now have a class of 3. 3 bright and lovely boys. The difference is amazing! I have discovered strategies are a lot more effective with 3, and when its lovely which it has been a lot this week its a great job, feel very jammy.

Today is 3 calender months since Jack and I first decided to start seeing each other. Time is so conceptual, in some ways it feels a lot longer. Its been strange for me with this blog, being in the early stages of falling for someone makes me feel like I best keep my cards close to my chest.

I live my life in the present as much as possible as I've discovered it makes me the happiest. The great thing is that more than ever before I am less concerned about the destination of this relationship. The journey so far has been a lot of open hearted fun. Lots of big honest chats, with a good amount of challenge and respect and support of each other. Its a funny thing to suggest but I feel more myself in this relationship. More joyful and open, I talk to strangers more often, this is a quality I really appreciate in Jack and I feel like I have a lot to give. I guess I'm in a good place work wise too and my new house is soulful. There is a beautiful sense of communal living in that we all want to contribute and have a real delight when we see each other. We had it in 130 too its just that there was a fair measure of chaos too fuelling the fire!

Right now I'm going to get more tea and have a bath. Then I'm heading off to Hexham to see my beautiful niece for her birthday, she was 5 on Thursday. It looks like a crisp, fresh autumn day. I saw the new moon peeking out of the bathroom window this morning. There is every reason to think it will be a beautiful day.

Wedding carriages in October

Life has been a whirl wind of work and play and not much time to contemplate. I can only really relate what feels like the immediate, which was the wedding of my beautiful friend Sophie last Saturday. Charlotte and I were bridesmaids, so we rocked up about 9 am, ready (bar lipstick) and filled with nerves and excitement, to a very serene Sophie, completely un -fazed!

Char spent about an hour tonguing Sophie's hair, until she had a halo of perfect ringlets. On the announcement that it was time to leave, we still needed to button Sophie into her blue silk dress, over 30 twiddly Victorian buttons, but the effect was stunning.

The day was drizzly, a typical Autumn day in Northumberland but it did't matter, the service was simple and beautiful and the best part of the day was the convoy of Gypsy caravans that went up to Sophie and Saul's house. I got to sit in a wagon looking out on lush green, snuggling a very gorgeous Madog, Barny's new extremely beautiful son.

We had a delicious meal in David's garden in one of Oran's tent and slowly got merry. I got to catch up with Justine after a long summer of her being on the road. The atmosphere was palpably relaxed and easy going. Very in tune with the character of both Saul and Soph.

There was a lull about 5 o clock, kids got tired as did us. So I had coffee and a snuggle with Izzy.

There was a in flux of new blood for the evening including the lovely Jack. The night was filled with chats, much food and dancing by a roaring fire in the woods. I DJ'd which was trickier than I imagined in some ways. All fun though, as soon as I turned my back to get a drink Charlotte changed the track, to one she proffered!

There was a unexpected good turn of fortune, in that Stu was there with his new lady, who I know and like very much and we all had a lovely time together. So happy and relived to be able to be friends with Stu and for it all to be comfortable again. Another highlight was the unbuttoning of Sophie's dress! I got back to the woods from a bus mission a realised Sophie had left! Knowing that Saul would find it impossible to unbutton Sophie, I rushed over and had a lovely cosy post wedding chat with the tired but very happy newly weds.

Simon, Justine and I were the last standing or sitting by the fire at 5 am. It was so mild and beautiful by the point. Then I tried to sleep in a room full of snoring folk! I was pretty broken the next day, but the happiness from the day before and taking it all very slowly carried me.

Work this week has been a mixed bag as always, but today sees a seed of new hope. I have doubled my cohort to 2 and the first boy I had has responded amazingly! There have been times when he has certainly tried to be the boss, but new boy has stood up for himself in a friendly way and has the height advantage.

It was so lovely watching them interact and play and have banter. I know there will be tough times but I sincerely hope this turns things around a little after 4 challenging weeks! We all need friends and I have empathised with my initial pupil as it must be a strange thing to think the consequences of your behaviour have led you to a place where there are no other children your age to interact with. Also positively a contract has been seriously discussed. I have noticed my commitment to get on paper work has increased since that message was relayed.

I feel like I'm finding my rhythm in the house. Went to Yoga eventually on Monday and slept so soundly it was unreal, so that's a good sign that exercise and me time is the way to go.

Now off to John's for a few hours, it must be time to move as even though I'm under my covers there's an October chill in the air.