Birthday reflections at Beamish

When I woke up this morning I'd been dreaming about the poem Desiderata.

'Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.'

I just re read the poem on waking. It serves as a reminder of the the simple wisdom in listening to people and being gentle in the world. I feel tired from a busy half term, but the relief and quite I feel from knowing I have 2 weeks off, with time to have tea and write in bed and be outside in the world, going for walks in the woods and by the sea is just perfect.

The month of March seems to have whirled by in a busy flurry. My birthday last weekend was so much fun. It was the sunniest birthday I can remember and after a lazy morning of opening gifts and drinking tea, friends arrived in their finest 1913 outfits for a day out at Beamish. It took us a good 2 hours, for people to steadily arrive and to take photographs under the tree. There was lots of no smiling options with Emma Beattie's old fashioned style camera on her fancy phone, which caused lots of laughter, then 11 of us piled into Dave the cat's bus for a jolly jaunt out.

I hadn't been to Beamish, since school and totally loved it. The open top buses, and old fashioned trams are beautiful, we drove in the sunshine to the town and had a picnic on a sunny piece of grass, by a pony paddock. Standing around afterwards, Emma and I got mistaken by Japanese tourists as part of the exhibition. We met up with Sophie, Saul and Ruby , which was lovely, Ruby in her prettiest dress, saying Ellie over and over. We looked around the houses, visited the dentist, the stables and the all important old fashioned sweet shop. Then got on another open top bus to the farm, school and old colliery. The whole day was blissfully relaxed, we ended it in a pub beer garden, chatting happily and getting that sweet afternoon merriment, which comes with sun and cider.

Everyone looked amazing, and I kept smiling at Jack with his tweed suit and comb over, throwing Ruby and Loki around happily.

The evening brought a slow burning party, I had to recover with tea and get myself preened for partying. People arrived slowly, and chatted, drinking punch from our beautiful Victorian glass punch bowl, that cracked on that night,, by 11 the dance floor was stomping and filled with lovely people. Some usual suspects mixed equally with new people and those I've met a few times all smiling and dancing wildly, I got a surprise visit from my dear friend Paul, which was beautifully unexpected, had a few random chats on the stairs, then continued to dance with serious vigour! There were a few minor injuries, then at 4am my cousin John turned up with some stags as they were randomly in Newcastle to keep the dance floor alive, as most people had flagged by then.

Sunday we lost the hour and I was broken, but laying around at home, followed by the allotment, kept me content with the huge sleep debt.

This week at school has been great. I've got a new colleague, who is a self confessed paper work fanatic, we've been sorting a curriculum map and forward plans and I have to say I'm liking it. After the holidays I'm getting a girl, which is exciting. Its funny I didn't think it would happen!

This year has definitely been the most change for quite some time. In a brilliant way. 3 of the 11 people on my birthday bus, are people I didn't know existed last year, and amazingly I can't really imagine life without them. On my birthday last year, I went for an interview at Protocol, which is how I got my first teaching assignment. There is so much which can change and transform in a year, spring feels like a blessed time to be grateful for all these changes.

For this holiday, I've invested in a couple of juicy books and some watercolours, a sketch book and paintbrushes to start a project I've been thinking about for 6 years. I want to make a hard back book of all the trees in Northumberland, so I can learn about them and be able to identify trees at different times of the year.

For today, I'm going to be slow and restful. I think I've sussed out my suspected lurgy and that it is in fact hay fever! Feel much happier if it is that, but also going to look after myself. Lunch with Miss May, then maybe beach later to see my beloved.

Cliff topped coastlines and Magical woods.

I'm feeling very lucky and exhausted in a happy way after a wonderful few days away in Devon.

It's been half term, so Jack and I booked 2 nights away in a hotel together, he's been working near Gloucester, so I trained it down, via Manchester to Gloucester on Wednesday morning. Even though it had only been a week since Jack went away, the anticipation and excitement to see him was really full, sleeplessness, butterflies, raised heart beat, the physiology of love.

As soon as I was swept up in his arms, I was calmed and we set off on a 3 to 4 hour journey to North Devon, we stopped for a cream tea on the way and the journey passed quickly with lots of chats and laughter.

We got closer, the world became almost entirely green and we passed through places called things like Fairy Cross as the thatched roofs began to appear regularly.

We arrived at our hotel, checked in and discovered we had been upgraded to a suit. A beautiful but quite laughable room, with a four poster bed, fire place, sweeping steps leading to a dressing room and a bath room complete with a wet room style shower and a double bath with jets!

We went for a walk that evening as the sun set along the top of a hill, a light house and Lundy Island in the distance, then we went for another drive to find a country pub that sold local Cider and good food. We soon discovered that decent Cider is difficult to find in North Devon, so we settled for lovely food then went back to our hotel for champagne in the bath and massages.

The next few days were filled with beautiful walks, by the sea and in the most magical of woods. We lay on a thick quilt of long grass overlooking the highest point of the hills above the sea, feeling the sunshine on our faces, in each others arms and talked about adventures past.

We approached the woods like eager children and also as lovers, holding hands, wide eyed, looking closely to identify trees and seeing the signs of spring. Jack pointed out Beech nuts and the cerise male flowers on Willow trees and we discovered wild garlic, snowdrops and crocuses

Nothing is a bother to Jack, his relaxed spontaneous approach make each day a joy. We changed plans at the last minute from a romantic meal to head off to see my Friends Glenn and Sarah and there beautiful boys Jy and Finn and Jack earned himself big wet kisses from Jy, nearly 2 by playing Duplo aeroplanes.

We visited some lovely friends of Jack's in Dartmooor Forest and we went on a magical walk in a majestic wood, filled with incredible looking lichen and ending in a cathedral of trees.

All the sea air and wood bathing in the beautiful, deeply quiet Devon woodland and clear skies has been the rest and difference I needed from the reality of work.

Even though we took every day at a Sunday pace not leaving the room to go out until 11 or so I kept being surprised by the amount and quality of light I was getting. Although I was low on sleep, it just didn't matter as I could float through the days.

I could of stayed much longer, but luckily have one more true Sunday to unpack, be ready for work and have a bit of social thrown in. Tea with the lovely Laura and dinner at Mike and Jemma's this eve.

It really is the beginning of spring, just the other side of this tiny Island we call home. Hold on tight I tell myself, soon there will be a greater quality of life as light extends beyond the hours of work and the juggling of work and play rebalances.

Dirty Feet

Feeling a little delicate this morning after 5 hours kip and a raucously fine evening. I had a rare opportunity of my sister out in town. We went for a curry and a fair bit of wine for Paul's birthday, then headed over to 'Dirty feet' at our new local Bar loco. Paul was a bit suspicious prior to arriving. He took it literally and thought it was going to be a bunch of hippy's with some kind of obligation to take your shoes off!

So we arrived with Charlotte already pretty tipsy and tottering on her killer heels, it was already really busy upstairs in a lovely, Fenham cosy bustley kind of way. Charlotte found a Jenga game to get involved with, stating that she was shit hot at Jenga because of playing with her little girl, Paul did a bit of loitering with the drinks and I got into the electro gypsy swing on the dance floor.

A couple of drinks later, Charlotte and Paul got down and dirty on the dance floor. They met the wonderful Paddy O'Conner and instantly hit it off. Manc's can always quickly find a few familiar reference points.

A fellow Sidney Grover asked Char, 'Have you been for a Royal?' this resulted in well over an hour of hilarity as Char went round a lot of the dance floor asking 'Have you been forra Royal?' in her best Manc accent then throwing her head back in laughter! She concluded that some of the crowd had been smoking dope because some of the younger unexpected crew looked a bit paranoid.

Charlotte fell in love with Paddy, mentioned to me she wanted to take him home and asked him if he wanted to come home with her be their pet! Paul got so involved in the bongo that he's featuring a massive thumb blister this morning.

I danced loads with such vigour that I accidentally head butted the lovely Clara May, the dance floor was heaving full of spinning and ass shaking smiling people, drinks started to get dropped and Paul and concluded about half 1 that it was probably time to head home.

We had a kitchen party with my i pod as Ian is away visiting mates in Leeds. So we had tea a crumpet each and Char gave us a fine rendition of Zumba 'Jai ho'.

Today, luckily for our fragile heads were off to Short Flat Tower for 3 or so hours of Spar time, it my gift to the most important Women in my life who have everything they could ever need. So in just over 3 hours my Mum, Char and I will be lay chatting in a huge, super bubbly hot tub looking out at the trees and sky. Then Char and I are off for the don of all treatments. It's called a Hammam, we get to be in a Moroccan inspired room, with heated slabs and twinkly lights. Were going to get scrubbed within an inch of our lives, slushed with water, covered in mud, and finally massaged. We get to do it in tandem and on request my Mum is coming in for the first hour before her full body Swedish.

Best go to buy bread and eggs to have with copious amounts of tea and ease our aching heads.

Buds and following the hearts path.

Today I bought a red dress. I don't need a new dress, but it was in a sale. It is a beautiful flattering cut, I tried to dismiss it, but as the store was about to close I realised that I don't own a red dress except for a extravagant silk Calvin Klien full length gown, courtesy of my Mum's shopping trips in the U.S. I came home and put it straight on, like I used to do as a child. I feel uplifted by its bright hue and its newness.

This weekend has been lovely, yet there has been a background feeling of sadness. On Friday I received a call from my dear friend Lyd in Australia, I had text that morning and answered at work just to arrange another time to speak. She told me that a school friend Fen, had climbed a crane the night before and fell 45 meters to his death. I felt calm on the phone to Lyd and was briefly able for her to say how she felt and arrange to speak on Sunday. It was when I got off the phone that I felt like the ground was being moved beneath me. Its a strange spaced out feeling I think is difficult to put into words. I had it when my step brother passed away. The shock that that person is gone feels so unreal. I kept drifting off in my thoughts and seeing Fen's face. Always bright and smiling.

The lesson I am taking from this tragedy is that we just don't know how long we have in this life, so I must cease every day and follow the path of my heart. I've decided this summer to go to Australia and stay with Lydia. I have my first 6 weeks of paid holiday in my career. How better to celebrate this wonderful fact. I spoke with Lyd today and maybe if she has holiday enough we will go to New Zealand. Lyd's going to be living in Byron Bay a very special place I visited whilst on a world trip with my then boyfriend Matty. We met my sister Charlotte and Glenn in Australia and had the best days of out trip in Byron. We were travelling up the East coast, and kept saying 'we should of stayed in Byron.'

I can feel the onset of spring, there are little changes all around, so many buds and the beginning of the crocuses. I feel change in myself also. I'm seriously considering getting a dog, to be with me at school. So researching the therapeutic aspects and positive impact this can have. Going to give it lots of thought, I think it would have to be the right dog, to cope with the boisterous and often aggressive nature of my boys, but I can see how positively they would respond to it. Also Jack has said he'd be up for taking the dog to work sometimes so that could help, if I'm doing home visits or the boys are too unsettled.

Had a wonderful beach day at Allenmouth yesterday, for Paddy and Olive's birthday. Clara, Jo and I were slightly concerned we wouldn't find them. We needn't of worried, they were a colourful tribe of instant recognition, top hats, gowns and feathers as we walked over the brow of the hill. We picnic'd, I walked as a football match of great whooping competitiveness prevailed. Then a group of about 8 ran naked into the sea! We watched the moon rise, the sky change and the sun set, then we all went to the pub to get cosy by the fire.

Soon I'm going for dinner with lovely Emma C, my house mate. Were trying out a Lebanese place that has been heartily recommended by a few folk, so should be lovely.

Heavy work days and hormones

This week has been the toughest, work wise, since qualifying as a teacher. So now I have 4. 4 wonderful boys. Individually they have so much to give, are so funny and clever and imaginative. As a combination this week has just been chaos. My new boy is severely autistic, he makes traffic noises whilst navigating himself around school. He also wants to be in an imaginary land, where he is a taxi driver. One on one he is very polite, pleasant adult company. He has little idea about games and social interaction, so I'm working on that one. What he hates is children! So throw him together with 3 very challenging, volatile children behaviourally and boom! Sparks are going to fly.

My eldest boy thinks it is fun top frighten the autistic boy, he also can't cope with the level of fractious, unpredictable outbursts which are a tool my new pupil uses to keep people away!

There have been moments of sheer ludicrousness. I haven't known whether to laugh or cry. There are times I feel like I handled the situation well and other moments when I was just reacting. The intensity of it without much of a break has been totally full on. Especially since, the last two mornings its all kicked off before 9.30 am.

The great thing is I have the backing of a really great and understanding manager and work really closely and really well with the kids key worker. Home has been a very harmonious contrast. I can literally feel the tension of the day draining from my shoulders as I enter Sidney Grove. I have been sleeping really well. Touch wood and getting lots of cuddles and good chats with my love.

Reading an amazing and very empowering book at the moment. 'Taking charge of your fertility.' It unravels the mystery of the female reproductive cycle and is a very detailed response for how to avoid pregnancy without hormones. Don't worry Mum! I will be responsible. :) It feels really important to be able to do something other than hormones, which make me feel like I'm really out of sync with my body. Would recommend it. There is another way!

Friday tomorrow. Phew! Dinner with some very wonderful ladies to look forward. Then Justine's party on Saturday. For a dose of silliness, fun and plenty of dancing. Oh yeah!

Fenham Christmas time

Coming back into the world today after Christmas festivities. Had Christmas day, Fenham style with Emma, Rog, Clara and Frenchie. Woke up, had hot chocolate and stockings in bed, with Clara. We had bought each other some of the same gifts, ginger chocolate, heather honey lip balm, socks and pukka tea. Morning continued with plenty of flowing prosecco and lots of presents. Stayed in my PJ's until gone 2 O clock. Bath with a lush bath bomb, new Christmas jumper from my Nana and new make up goodies from my Mum and Em.

By 3 we were all out on the Moor outside Emma's singing harmony's together, including 'the troubles of the world' then inside for a good bit of pre dinner dancing.

Christmas dinner was magnificent. Gorgeous huge, 20 pound turkey with all the trimmings, including sprouts with walnuts and chorizo! The day was gorgeous, filled with warmth and laughter, I did get a little heart string pull listening to Joseph and Izzy describe what they got for Christmas, and said love you on the phone. The mood of the day was very merry though, we decided we were merry and grateful, a glorious state to be.

Christmas night, my urge to see Jack, who was really poorly in bed got the better of me, I bounded over in Reindeer antlers, spilt red wine everywhere on arrival, then got enveloped in hugs, which coupled with such powerful sleepy energy meant I was very content to watch Narnia and be cosy.

The last 2 days I've watched 5 films, which is more than I've watched in the past 3 months. Jack and I have been in a bed land, complete with lots of chocolate. It has been needed hibernation and complete relaxation time for us both. We did go to a lovely fire at Em'd boxing day night with great chats and plenty of red wine and Stilton. Last night we got up for a take away curry before returning to another film.

Today I'm heading into town, seeing the very lovely Elena and generally enjoying the gift of time.

One of the best gifts I got was from Clara may and is a modern and very beautiful version of the Karma Sutra. I began reading it from my bed yesterday and an idea that I really like is that being in love is actually are natural state. The hight-end state of awareness, increased senses and happiness. I'm reflecting on what I would like from 2012 and a state of permanently being in love is definitely up there.

Hurray for love!

Sipping Scrumpy Jack waiting for Jack to go for a date, out for dinner, so thought I would seize the moment! Life feels like a million moments of beauty pouring over me, interspersed with chaos from school. Autumn is nearly dust, the coldness is creeping in with the darkness.. Totally up for embracing the cosy energy of house fires that brings.

I feel very suited to my job, the routine suites me perfectly and it means I don't really have to think past 4 o clock. The dynamics of the group are ever changing. My first boy is now an angel as the 2 newest cohort members push boundaries, run off in a big display of being escape artists and see just how horrible they need to be to get retrained, or so it seems. Luckily the hands off approach, unless the child is a danger to himself or others continuously surprises them!

The best thing about the approach of the Solstice is the sky! I have said before and will say again that the sky is my favourite place. The other morning I emerged a little sleepy eyed to hauntingly beautiful pink clouds, raising in swirls above me. Its enough just to be present and to really see.

Also loving the Frozen Planet at the moment. Amazing cinematography and a real sense of animals surviving against all the odds! I spoke to my lovely Mum just before. She will be home a week yesterday!

Last weekend was a wonderful insight into the world of my love. We danced all night to a Blues brothers tribute band and lots of old funk and soul tracks. Had two romantic car journeys, a trip down memory lane for him, all lovely!

Hurray for love in all its roller-coaster like emotions! I would happily embrace all the tears and heart ache that are possible, for the true joy which comes from falling in love with someone and the discovery of how there soul meets mine. There are no expectations, no obligations, just freedom to be all that we are and can possibly be.

Women's circle

November has begun! How did that happen! I am 2 days into my contract and feeling more committed to strategies and working out planning systems which will keep my boys happy.

The clocks went back at the weekend and so darkness and cosyness have seeped in. My morning sunrise walks to the bus stop and the incredible Autumn colours are keeping me bright and cheerful as are morning cups of tea and breakfast with the beautiful Jack.

I went to a powerful and hugely uplifting sacred women's circle for Samhain on Monday night, at the cabins in Ovingham. 11 women many of which had met for the first time that night, opened a circle in a small clearing in a beautiful clearing by the river. The night was calm, mild and magical, with an astonishing low hung waning moon. We had a beautiful fire, joined hands with the intention of opening up our hearts and the energy that was created was so clear and connected. I still feel like I'm in a raised state of conciousness. Not in some hippy way but in a tangible helpful way. In each moment that I am present the beauty of the world reveals itself to me more fully.

One of the ladies at the circle put it into words beautifully, its a sense I've had about 6 years ago when I spent long times in my past family home garden at Marden House, praying and meditating- it is possible to be in love with the world. To be truly in the present and in my heart a love affair is offered. Where ever you are, what ever you feel, the beauty of the world, the symmertry and synchronicity beckons you to be filled with love and joy.

Threes and nines

Its the beginning of the half term holidays, I felt almost dizzy with excitement yesterday! Today I'm a little sleepy from playing out and drinking cocktails with Jenny, Emma and Kat until I was all danced out and truly tired to the bones of my feet, I woke up early, am sleepy in a warm, tea in bed fashion and feel very content to have 9 days of freedom.

I found out last week that I have a fixed term contract at work for a year. I now have a class of 3. 3 bright and lovely boys. The difference is amazing! I have discovered strategies are a lot more effective with 3, and when its lovely which it has been a lot this week its a great job, feel very jammy.

Today is 3 calender months since Jack and I first decided to start seeing each other. Time is so conceptual, in some ways it feels a lot longer. Its been strange for me with this blog, being in the early stages of falling for someone makes me feel like I best keep my cards close to my chest.

I live my life in the present as much as possible as I've discovered it makes me the happiest. The great thing is that more than ever before I am less concerned about the destination of this relationship. The journey so far has been a lot of open hearted fun. Lots of big honest chats, with a good amount of challenge and respect and support of each other. Its a funny thing to suggest but I feel more myself in this relationship. More joyful and open, I talk to strangers more often, this is a quality I really appreciate in Jack and I feel like I have a lot to give. I guess I'm in a good place work wise too and my new house is soulful. There is a beautiful sense of communal living in that we all want to contribute and have a real delight when we see each other. We had it in 130 too its just that there was a fair measure of chaos too fuelling the fire!

Right now I'm going to get more tea and have a bath. Then I'm heading off to Hexham to see my beautiful niece for her birthday, she was 5 on Thursday. It looks like a crisp, fresh autumn day. I saw the new moon peeking out of the bathroom window this morning. There is every reason to think it will be a beautiful day.

Wedding carriages in October

Life has been a whirl wind of work and play and not much time to contemplate. I can only really relate what feels like the immediate, which was the wedding of my beautiful friend Sophie last Saturday. Charlotte and I were bridesmaids, so we rocked up about 9 am, ready (bar lipstick) and filled with nerves and excitement, to a very serene Sophie, completely un -fazed!

Char spent about an hour tonguing Sophie's hair, until she had a halo of perfect ringlets. On the announcement that it was time to leave, we still needed to button Sophie into her blue silk dress, over 30 twiddly Victorian buttons, but the effect was stunning.

The day was drizzly, a typical Autumn day in Northumberland but it did't matter, the service was simple and beautiful and the best part of the day was the convoy of Gypsy caravans that went up to Sophie and Saul's house. I got to sit in a wagon looking out on lush green, snuggling a very gorgeous Madog, Barny's new extremely beautiful son.

We had a delicious meal in David's garden in one of Oran's tent and slowly got merry. I got to catch up with Justine after a long summer of her being on the road. The atmosphere was palpably relaxed and easy going. Very in tune with the character of both Saul and Soph.

There was a lull about 5 o clock, kids got tired as did us. So I had coffee and a snuggle with Izzy.

There was a in flux of new blood for the evening including the lovely Jack. The night was filled with chats, much food and dancing by a roaring fire in the woods. I DJ'd which was trickier than I imagined in some ways. All fun though, as soon as I turned my back to get a drink Charlotte changed the track, to one she proffered!

There was a unexpected good turn of fortune, in that Stu was there with his new lady, who I know and like very much and we all had a lovely time together. So happy and relived to be able to be friends with Stu and for it all to be comfortable again. Another highlight was the unbuttoning of Sophie's dress! I got back to the woods from a bus mission a realised Sophie had left! Knowing that Saul would find it impossible to unbutton Sophie, I rushed over and had a lovely cosy post wedding chat with the tired but very happy newly weds.

Simon, Justine and I were the last standing or sitting by the fire at 5 am. It was so mild and beautiful by the point. Then I tried to sleep in a room full of snoring folk! I was pretty broken the next day, but the happiness from the day before and taking it all very slowly carried me.

Work this week has been a mixed bag as always, but today sees a seed of new hope. I have doubled my cohort to 2 and the first boy I had has responded amazingly! There have been times when he has certainly tried to be the boss, but new boy has stood up for himself in a friendly way and has the height advantage.

It was so lovely watching them interact and play and have banter. I know there will be tough times but I sincerely hope this turns things around a little after 4 challenging weeks! We all need friends and I have empathised with my initial pupil as it must be a strange thing to think the consequences of your behaviour have led you to a place where there are no other children your age to interact with. Also positively a contract has been seriously discussed. I have noticed my commitment to get on paper work has increased since that message was relayed.

I feel like I'm finding my rhythm in the house. Went to Yoga eventually on Monday and slept so soundly it was unreal, so that's a good sign that exercise and me time is the way to go.

Now off to John's for a few hours, it must be time to move as even though I'm under my covers there's an October chill in the air.

Autumn skies

The Autumn skies have been filled with billowing pink clouds and sunshine that threatens to change into showers at any given moment! All is busy in a wonderful way. House filled with friends a lot but also times like tonight when there is a lull.

I haven't managed to motivate myself to run, but I got into a wonderful book I first read when I was 20 called 'By the river Pierdra I sat down and wept' by Paulo Coelho. It is a story about the surrender of love. Written beautifully, so each night I have a good couple of chapters of that and have decided that if I wake up with my head full at 4 or 5 I will turn the light on and read. So far, although I don't want to tempt fate I've only woken briefly, this morning it was to a text message to say that my dear friend Ellie's labour had began. Her son was born at 12.23 today, wonderful news.

Work by its nature with my pupil being so complex in his needs, has been challenging. There was a fire alarm today, and kick off began around 10 because he refused to leave the class and had to be carried out kicking and screaming.

I am being fair and firm to trying my best to establish the boundaries he is so in need of and has never had. Its a hard road. The support of the staff and the small steps he is making have to be reward enough at the moment. Soon we will have two new referrals and although I think that will be difficult initially I really think it will help enormously with the balance of my sole pupil wanting to be in control. Also it will give him peers and hopefully even friends a real human need.

Tonight our house is going for a late dinner to 99. Sydney grove is filled with beautiful people and this house is particularly dear to my heart, with Paddy and Laurence living there, both of which I have lived with before and 3 wonderful girls.

Tomorrow I also hope to firm up the arrangements for Sophie's hen! Excited for her wedding day and being a bridesmaid with my beautiful sister. Matching dresses ahoy!

Sweet enjoyment.

This morning is the first in a little while that I've taken to tea and time to muse in bed. Last night Jack and I had a lovely evening, a good bit of quality time, Tapas, Sangria, and a quick turn around and single drink at Bar Kolo. I was very happy and content to be in bed by 12 as I am shattered from a heavy week with my boy at work. At around 3 am I got woke up by an insistent almost eerie ringing of the doorbell. I almost didn't answer it in case it was a mad man! It wasn't of course a friend of friends had lost our house crowd or been abandoned and was very apologetic as I let him in. I climbed back into bed and spent the next at least 3 hours trying to sleep. There has definitely been a pattern of this the past 5 weeks or so since I began falling. Its excitement and excess energy and doubt and worry and wonder and restlessness all rolled into one. I am pretty good at enjoying it. You have to really don't you. I like the moments best when I have snuggled in to a comfortable position and can feel the nearness of sleep but my mind is so intent on the symphony of feelings swirling around my head, sometimes a phrase, a look, a feeling. Its like my senses have been wildly driven to excess and I need several hours in the dark of night to come down from them.

I think I will take up running or something which will shatter me physically and push enough endorphins to my brain to help it switch off!

School has been stressful, I nearly wrote earlier in the week but felt almost like it might be inappropriate, perhaps because the level of disruption and the real anger my student it experiencing is challenging me to question my approach at every turn. Its a steep learning curve.Luckily I am very supported at work and although its gradual I can see small steps of progress most days.

My new house is great. So warm and friendly. A sanctuary of loveliness, we had a beautiful evening in with Mike and Jemma on Wednesday, team effort of making delicious pie. It was lovely to catch up with them again after the impromptu plumb jam making party at the weekend, lots of kitchen dancing and kissing each other in giddy excitement! Wednesday was all about a roaring fire, I demanded we all had boots kicked off and we happily ate the first apple and raspberry crumble of the season.

It feels like Autumn today, and all the leaves are turning orange on the Rowan tree the dawn chorus is getting later. So more tea for me,a call or two a beauty engagement with the lovely Jenny , then of to Hexham to catch up with my sister and a special visit to see the wonderful new arrival of baby Oscar!! Ah can't wait! There is nothing quite like the sweetness and new joyful energy of a new born.

The guest house

Today I will put away my most Summery dresses. I have a beautiful wicker chest with an ornate fastening clasp that my Mum got from an auction, which is perfect for the job. The beginning of Autumn is such a pretty time to be in my heart. I love the moody, overcast skies at sunset and the gentle falling of leaves.

My driving lesson went well yesterday, I'm getting the hang of the controls. Another lesson today so hopefully ideas will be starting to wire up in my mind. I do end up feeling quite seriously tired though. I obviously haven't concentrated that much for a while!

I did a good clean of the house also yesterday, whilst making Jack a mix tape for his van. It felt very 90's and was a good excuse to revisit and listen to a lot of old music. My house hold have been mostly at the land in Durham. Where Jack is building a roof for a third floor straw bale house. Its been cold on nights without there sunny presence.

Last night I went to Clara and John's down the road for a Chinese take away. Emma came over and it was just like old times, including the little sisterly misunderstandings of language that peppered our communication. We feasted then all got into Clara's bed in her new beautiful red room for a catch up.

A funny thing happened yesterday as I was musing over music. This lady watched me as she walked around my house, I smiled and she summoned me to the door. Then she stood and pleaded with me for money in another language. Even though I didn't know what she was saying it was easy to get the gist. I made the spur of the moment decision to apologise and be kind but to say no. She may of been in trouble, but there was something in the way she summoned me to her door that made me feel a little protective.

It did make me think about a particular Rumi poem at Earthing the spirit about welcoming people in.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival

A joy a depression, a meanness

Some momentary awareness

Comes as an unexpected visitor

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows

Who violently sweep your house of it's furniture.

Still, treat each guest honourably,

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight

The dark thought, the shame,

The malice, meet them all at the

door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes

Because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

I have always had a problem with not giving to people begging as if I may be denying God. I slowly stopped this thought as it wasn't inspired by love, but more out of sadness. Its interesting to read this poem again as I realise its a lot to do with the self. Welcoming all aspects of the self, to clear out and make way for 'some new delight.'

I do think that people and relationships are often mirrors. That means I'm more selective wrongly or rightly of who I welcome in. I wont be unkind to someone, but giving money doesn't feel like giving in a whole way. I'd rather offer my time, it means more.

Answered prayers

The month of August seems to have flown by in a flurry of house moving, romance and time spent connecting with family and friends.

This morning I am having an hour to take stock before my driving lesson. It took me a while to wake up this morning, after speaking to one of my best friends El about her pregnancy and birth before sleeping, I dreamt of giving birth in water to twins! In my dream is was all very heightened,beautiful and idealistic. I had to remind myself that that the reality is a lot tougher! I've got 2 baby blessings of close friends this week, and two that I'm helping to organise so I'll put that at the core!

I've just returned from visiting my Nana in hospital. So my subconscious is contemplating the mysterious journey of birth and death. It was lovely for my Mum and I to have some quality time to catch up on the journeys and very right and mind easing to have the opportunity to visit. I felt like we helped to lift and lighten spirits. After my Nana Ivy's quick decline, there was a real sense of panic before seeing my Nana, but I was comforted to find her completely herself and wanting to know the in's and out's of how everything came about with Jack. I love the questions asked by loved ones to investigate the worthiness of a potential partner. My Nana's hope that this will be the right person, and that God has answered her prayer for me to have met the right person. It makes me realise where I have come from. Relationships have always been up there as one of my favourite subjects to muse, wonder and master.

My sister, Paul and the kids were up too, on route to centre parks. We had a lovely, drunken night with my Dad. Joseph and Izzy were so excited. I tried setting them off on runs to burn off some of there excess excitement but to no avail!

We played the drinking game with my Dad and Max when we got home. My Dad reminds me of Charlotte and I in his over eagerness. Ha! We had no chance but to be blunt and loud!

This week is the last of the summer holidays! Time to get the house spick and span and get plenty of singing in at the allotment before work starts up!

Sneaky sunshine and snoozes

I'm fighting off having a cold with lemons and afternoon snoozes, sunshine, laughter, garlic and spices. Have had a lovely couple of days, mostly connecting to friends. Jenny came over Wednesday evening, we drank white wine, ate amazing food cooked by Beattie and even played my all time favourite game 'in the manner of the word!' Yesterday I took some time out for reading and tea in bed. Reading a book on 'Dark Mountain' interesting concepts of life and death and uncivilisation. Then lay in a sunny spot in the allotment for a couple of hours.

I also had my first driving lesson yesterday. My word I felt a bit like an Octopus! Its amazing that all that multi tasking becomes automatic, like riding a bike, not that I can ride one very successfully. Think I shall tackle that one with the help of new and very lovely house mate Emma. Would be good to get myself more road aware if nothing else. Going to help out with Alley cats bike treasure hunt tomorrow for a bit of inspiration.

Also met the incredibly beautiful two week old Wren son of Jo and Freddy. Ah. He is perfect and makes the sweetest snuffly noises. My womb was doing some good yearning flips! Fell asleep in a pretty dreamy future state. The present is great though. An exciting time teeming with possibilities but without expectations.

So tonight brings together some more wonderful women for a shared dinner and a couple of glasses of fine wine. I'm going to give the Pub a miss and get myself an early night to save myself from getting this cold. 2 weeks of burning the candle at both ends. My body clock is still set at 7am over 3 weeks after breaking up from school! So I best obey it. I do love mornings and late at night for open alert head space.

Beach and lunch with more friends tomorrow and the return of beautiful Clara May!

Full power

I'm in the process of landing from a very rainy but incredibly blissful week at Earthing the spirit! Prior to going I had been rushing around a lot moving house and as soon as I got there I felt a deep sense of slowing down from the huge majestic trees and rolling hills of the landscape. Many welcoming and familiar faces also meant a sense of coming home.

After the first day of reconnecting I went to my Uncle's wedding, a very beautiful small affair, set in an art Deco building of perfect proportions. I am always slightly astounded by the connections, fun and love in my family. I had so much fun smoking with my cousins on the patio. I swapped places to sit next to my cousin Jon as Kelly his wife was unable to attend and had a full catch up on where we were at, then as soon as the music begun, I danced all night. We kept coming together in family circles, all holding hands, feeling connected and singing our hearts at to one another.

I arrived at Earthing Monday afternoon, sleepy and really grateful to have a week off drinking! The feeling of support and warmth at the festival is a very special creation. Everyone who attends has interesting ideas and is very open to speaking about where they are in life. The morning and afternoon devotionals, are pure heart space. I've struggled with them in the past, but this time really felt the unity they promote and felt really supported to really sing from a deep place. I also attended a very interesting course based on NLP and EFT, which was very powerful in releasing unwanted patterns of behaviour.

There were big fires, a lot of dancing in fields, to live bands and in the kitchen to my i pod. We had an incredible sports day event. Including 5 legged races, spoon and vegetable races, a fancy dress race and numerous tugs of war. I also felt like I got to know and to reconnect with some very inspiring friends. Very open hearted chats and real sharing of creativity and journeys.

I felt really able to be in my heart. An empowering and beautiful place to be.

On returning Jack and I took a detour to some friends land in County Durham who are living the dream. They were celebrating 10 years of being there. The party was really lovely. Huge fire, dancing to fiddle music and singing songs with some quirky Canadians 'the devils claw' song being the most amazing!

On the way to bed in half light, we went to see the straw bale houses that are being built there. They are both incredible examples of craftsmanship and in the new dawn the new house in particular looked like a mystical fairytale dream house.

My aim now is to carry this open hearted joy into the rest of my holidays. To take time to deeply connect, to sing, dance and be and keep myself in full power!

Candles and hot air

Its so hot, it feels like the sticky clammy. tropical hotness you get on a holiday abroad and it's 20 to 11 at night! I shouldn't complain its so good to have time to potter and be in my new space.

I moved in Sunday night. Claimed my space and made my room all beautiful yesterday. I really enjoyed it, creatively finding a home for my treasures and making my room homely. I misplaced a couple of special belongings in the move, my beautiful blue art Deco lamp and my ukulele? Hopefully they will be found amongst the things that went to Hexham, or maybe they are in the Victorian chest which is the only place I haven't yet unpacked. My Mum came over and brought sandwiches and a picture hanging kit along with extra candles and moral support. She did the glorious Mum thing of wiping down all my surfaces, and helped me to hold Indian wall hangings long enough for me to draw them into the very sturdy walls with drawing pins.

151 is a busy house, filled with many things, my new house mates are all really lovely.

Today I woke up and had my favourite kind of pottering morning, then walked into town to have coffee with lovely Katie Sutton and do some bits and pieces of shopping, namely present buying for Willow and Grace. It was hard to choose a puppet for Willow, who is going to be 8 but I decided on a Mr Foxy who has a cheeky glare.

This afternoon I pottered back, came home to tea with house mates and more chats, then on to Jo's this morning who is a few days off her due date for a meal with Jo's closest female friends and a time to be together and bless the babe.

We all gave Jo a bead to wear at her birth. I choose a fertility shell and turquoise and mother of pearl. There was a thread of blue and different sizes. We all wrote a prediction, a piece of advice and a promise to Jo in a book and sang 'Belle Mamma.' It was a really affirming night and a lovely space to support Jo in her own power.

Early night tonight, I'm sat in candle light, Bridesmaids shopping tomorrow for the gorgeous Sophie bright and early in the Metro-centre then hopefully some sunshine at the allotment.

Sun kissed and nettle stung.

Today is about catching up with myself, catching up with thoughts in bed with tea and toast, quickly moving to domestic house duties, important phone calls and organising packing. Then this afternoon Lyd, very close and beautiful friend (who is back from Australia) is coming round, I'm very excited to catch up with her. There have been lots of changes in both our lives, I think I might suggest we go for a late lunch as its pretty cold and overcast today and my house with its boxes and original bland pictures of flowers in vases feels less and less like home.

Emma and Clara, have moved out in every way bar their belongings. They will be on their way to Greece today! Its the end of a short era but in some ways a deepening of friendships. We all about to live within 5 minutes of each other, even closer for Emma and I. My personal community of Fenham is expanding by living in 151 and the near arrival of new and wonderful neighbours.

On Sunday after tackling my cupboard of doom, I went to meet a new friend at the allotment. It was surprisingly sunny and we had a really magical time. Openness, warmth, and nettle stings followed by a surprise visit from Zora and Tallulah, which included watering sunflowers with and finding grasshoppers! This was followed by an afternoon of sipping Cider in the sunshine at the Cumberland with lots of beautiful friends and lots of fun dancing to a really amazing Turkish band. After deliberating about leaving the Cumberland and dancing about at the stones below, we went home and Clara and I had a silent disco with my i pod, which although their was only 2 of us was hard to beat due to sheer energy and choice of tunes.

I didn't sleep much on Sunday night. Too much excitement and open hearted fun. Yesterday was spent mostly in bed and an early night sees me at 90% recovery.

Tonight I am seeing another original Hexham school friend Becky and her beautiful children who live in France. So all lovely! Now best go and get on with my washing.

Endings and beginnings..

First day of the summer holidays. The last two days have been amazing. Thursday we took my little lad to Whitehouse farm, to feed all the goats and the Merekat's. I got to cuddle one it was a bit like a cat, prefering its tummy to be tickled, purring and had great eyes that blinked from the sides. We were lucky with the weather and he happily played at a slight distance all day, looking back every 5 minutes or so to check that we all had our eyes on him.

At one stage he wanted to go in to the barn to pick up some feed that other people had dropped. I commented that I hoped the Goats wouldn't eat my hair and he said they wont as they hadn't tried his although mine was probably a lot more yummier!

Thursday night was almost a last night of our house before we all move on and out of 225. Emma had been drinking champagne since 1 ish, so after a fat curry, we began on the house drink of Scrumpy Jack and played shit head, which I have recently re-found from playing at school. (we call it stupid-head!) I think I got drunk fast from being tired and Emma's vibes. We had a few dancing interludes. At one stage I pulled the sunshine paper chain down, so we had a ready made rope to limber under!

Clara came back from working late and amongst playing cards we all sang, lots of songs which will always remind me of the house, especially Laura Marling which Clara, Emma and I all sang to each other with smiling eyes. John and I also had a rave out moment to 'Voodoo people.'

I tried to go to bed early, but changed my mind and made an executive decision to stay awake until everyone went to bed. Great thing was I was carried by the happiness and togetherness of the previous night and woke up with happiness over ridding the tired feeling.

Yesterday at work, could of been tricky as the boy I'm teaching was going straight into respite from Forster care. I made sure we were out as he is generally a lot more engaged and so better behaved. We went to Byker pool and Macdonalds and he was happy and tired out by diving under the water to find a dive buddy for over an hour. I bought him a ball that lights up and is full of glitter,as a parting gift, it looks a bit like a universe! He left happy and I was so glad to leave for 6 weeks on a positive vibe.

After work a few of the staff got together for drinks. I got lots of praise which was really supportive and hugs from my boss, the lovely mum to all Alice and one of the key social workers. I drank 4 pints of cider rather too fast and floated off into town to have dinner with Laura before she jets off to Thailand.

Then came home to sober up and ended up having really good chats with Clara and Anna, about friendships, self awareness, psycho analysis and Freud! Today I feel quite spacey from lack of sleep. The good news is the sun is out and I know I have some time to get caught up. Emma and Clara are leaving Monday for Greece, so the house in in chaos for moving. I'm slowly sorting out my stuff. I know that by the time I pack I will be unattached to the house, but it has been a really lovely home. I hope I feel the same in my new home. I think I will but it always takes a bit of transition time.

Jenny and Chris' engagement party in Corbridge tonight. So happy for Jenny and will be lovely to celebrate their love.I hope the sunshine will stick around and excited I get to see Becky and her beautiful children Jay, Ruby and baby Rowane! Also Lyd is back from Australia so will be really joyful to get to spend some time with two of my first friends in Hexham. :)

Deserving of my own love and affection

Tonight I had a good dose of being by myself and really enjoyed how much ligher my mind feels. I missed my bus stop on the way back from work as I was engrossed in a horoscope book that came free with a magazine. I got off in town with my music blasting and the sun shinning and went to a Cafe for a large Americano. Then I got home and went with lovely friends for a couple of hours at the allotment. Late sun and picturesque clouds. I had amazing dinner made by John, then pottered upstairs and started rearranging a frame I've got of cards that I particularly love, from people I love. I had to go through a deep box of cards and letters to make sure I had what I wanted. It still has old faithful-ls and a couple of new ones from my 30th birthday.

I really love cards, both giving and receiving. It often takes me a long time to choose one for a birthday, and often I have to write them instantly when I get home. I really love post and I love cards at Christmas and my birthday more than or certainly as much as presents.

I also had a five minute meeting with Mairead down my street. Which was really lovely even though it was fleeting. We both walked a good 12 meters with big smiles beaming from our faces.

This afternoon I went bowling with the boy I teach, it was really positive to go out with him and for each of us to relate to each other in a different context.

I did affirmations to help me knock down pins. I affirmed what I wanted to enfold and if I believed it strongly enough I knocked them down. I got a strike for a baby girl which although I would be happy to have children of either sex I have affirmed since being about 6 or even younger and played with dolls constantly.

The past couple of days I have be Re- affirming an important message which is on a card in the frame I rearranged tonight,( from my lovely friend El ) which says ' You as much as anyone else in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.'

This belief is one I have thought about and made promises to embodied in different forms for years. I have numerous books which begin with an affirmation to take better care of my self, physically, spiritually. To in all ways be mindful of giving myself time to honour where I am and be OK with what is. Most of us know instinctually the things that help us to feel strong and to see beauty, for me a big thing is to simply be in nature. Why is it so often a struggle to make time?

I think the answer lies in our inherent belief system that we don't deserve to be happy, we don't feel fully deserving of our love and affection.

I watched an interesting TED talk on Saturday morning and this guy talked about doing 30 day challenges for your own growth. To decide on habits or ways of living that you'd like to have in your life and commit to doing them for 30 days. I've also noticed recently old habits I seem to have lost. Things I neglect to do in a relationship. I'm going to attempt to massage my feet for at least 5 minutes every day. My body always appreciates it and although I would love to do Yoga every day or meditate I have tried to manifest those many times and my discipline or my belief isn't quite there just yet.