Time for dancing, music and walking...

The past week has been lovely, I have been mostly in Fenham catching up with friends, getting out and about walking and sorting my space. My room is gleaming and feels like a colourful bubble. Nearly thirty years in time and special people are held in this space with pictures, books and trinkets, the small details that create a sense of being home.

Yesterday my lovely house mate CM was excited to get a new fitness d.v.d, the 'Tracy Anderson' method trainer to Madonna and Gwyneth Paltro. The woman herself is this amazingly spelt, super fit dancer. We spent half an hour leaping and jumping around, trying to follow the intense speed of Anderson's precision and failing ! it was easy to see how this woman kept so incredibly fit and she hadn't even broken a sweat! We just about managed not to bump into each other, so after a lot of laughing, we decided, to move the room around to create some space and to take this woman's choreographed routines at our own speed, (she only goes through it twice its obviously for dancers because straight after that its at double speed!!) We pretty much mastered the first dance combo, and had lots of fun doing it 11 more dance combo's to go!

Are plan is to practice then when were confident we can leap into routines in clubs! Ha, not that we go to many clubs, but hey we might shake our stuff at the Star and Shadow one night if we get enough routines down.

Today has mostly been about sorting through all the C.d's I own and putting the ones that I still like listening to on to laptop and syncing to my i pod. I then went on a big walk through the moor near my house and on an hour long trip through nostalgia. Brilliant, I am also finding whilst I have time on my hands that I'm discovering nooks and cranny's of Newcastle and creating maps in my mind of how everything links up.

It seems everyone has a dog or a baby, or maybe that's just my desire blinkering my focus.

I'm meeting a lovely friend for a curry tonight, good for the belly, the mind and the soul!

Found out a couple of advantages of being on the dole last night, Fenham pool and Tyneside cinema both for a pound in the week! How good is that. Going to see Black Swan this weekend with my house mates, It looks very dark and dramatic, can't wait!

One born every minute.

Since the beginning of this year I have heard of 4 pregnancies in my wide circle of friends. Two are secret early magical happenings. Just weeks old. Souls in potential.

I remember the first time I really looked at the creation of a baby in week by week stages with my friend Mairead, it was her first pregnancy of her beautiful daughter and my God daughter Willow, (now 7). I found the process of development so mind-blowingly amazing that I actually had conviction for the first time in my life that God as a higher power and creator was a certainty.

Since being a little girl, I have had a huge desire to be a mother. I had a doll called Emily that I looked after constantly for weeks and months at a time, my sister Charlotte and I had our own ongoing imaginary world. We would go to each others 'houses' for cups of tea.

The first time I was fully consumed with broodiness I was 23, which coincidental, (or maybe not) is exactly the age my Mum was when she conceived me. I was in my final year of studying Drama, we were doing a section of Greek theatre and my mind was full of images of me as a heavily pregnant Greek statue, in a white flowing gown! I was single for the first time in 5 years, not on hormonal contraception and suddenly raging with baby making hormones. I told all my closest friends I would be pregnant by the time the year was out. I was just going to fall in love and get pregnant because that's all there was. It was the best and only thing I could think to do.

Then just before my summer leaving party on a barge on the river Ouse, I got a phone call from my baby Sis, she was in shock because 3 pregnancy tests seemed to say that she was pregnant, 'The box says if there is a blue cross in the box that means its positive so does that me I am? Suddenly the entirety of the reality hit me. I was drinking a glass of wine, smoking a cigarette thinking I can defiantly wait. I'm so close to Charlotte that I knew I would have a brilliant relationship with her child. And so my broodiness was cured.

Over the past 6 years broodiness has hit me in waves, its worse in spring, when my womb yearns for lambs, new born babes are also a particular blissed out and intense womb states! it is mostly at a pretty constant rate. I couldn't be in a relationship for long now, without thinking it had the potential for babies. I think about the possibility of my own children every day, but I don't obsess.

My nephew Joseph, niece Izzy and close friends children are a total joy and blessing. I can get a healthy dose of child/baby love pretty easily. I find it funny how different Joseph and Izzy are. Stu and I came to Hexham last night, we were met with a flurry of excitement. Joseph wanted to show us his cartwheels and recent street dance moves. He wanted to know if Stu could do cartwheels and asked if Stu could do anything cool? While Izzy was much more interested in applying nail varnish and helping me put on make up! Mind you there both good at teaming up for play fighting. Izzy showed her approval of Stu by chucking herself on him and flashing her newly painted nails!

Working with children makes me more up for having my own for sure. They are so funny with the things they come out with.

I think it will be a couple of years till baby time for me! That's cool as long as I can talk about it and indulge in other peoples. My friend Sophie bought her beautiful 5 month old Ruby to a meal last night. I promptly woke her up by laughing about Stu's bluntness. The first time he held Ruby, he inspected her for fellow gingerness then said to me 'Did you come on your period?'

Last night on his hold of the baby he gave Ruby her first taste of solid food. Sag sauce!! We all caught him before he gave her the second taste, apparently she nearly sucked his finger off!

In search of a possible future..

I can feel spring edging its way in gradually in Northumberland. :) I'm staying at my Mum's in Hexham and the last couple of days I have been woken by a great chattering and twittering and cooing of blackbirds and pigeons, (well there the sounds I can recognise anyway). The sun is making a return.

Yesterday I went in search of a pretty stone cottage on top of a hill in Haydon Bridge, with gorgeous views, green hills as far as the eye can see, oak trees and walls dripped in Ivy. It helped that the moon was out in the day, nearly full and there was a wisp of pink in a dusky sky. The cottage was idyllic, but teeny tiny. Pretty treacherous in the ice and snow.

I walked back, past the river and saw 2 Kestrels! I saw a house, with much more ample space, a garage and a garden, which while it is not the pretty picture post card type, is a lot more suited to our needs and a lot more practical. I could see myself and Stu creating a home.

So my challenge with this new found time to be and therefore to dream, is to stay in today, to look at what I can do which increases possibilities and wonder for the future months to come. Keep my options wide enough to embrace all that could be manifested.

Spend a bit of time each day getting closer to where I would like to be personally and let time and fate dictate the rest.

The Enthusiast!

I passed my maths!!! Am so relieved. :) Despite a broken boiler, I am feeling very embracing of January this year, these are my reasons of enthusiasm for 2011, I am the enthusiast after all!

1, Giving up smoking. A rolled cigarette has not passed my lips since new years day! I feel like after lots of attempts to give up, one that lasted for a year it is now the right time. The illusion that it gives me anything, such as time to reflect, concentration, moments with close friend and help in emotional times are just that, illusion. I don't wan't to turn into one of those self righteous quitters, I know there will be celebrations, camp fire moments and unexpected times when it would be satisfying to have 'just one' but it never is just one for me. I'm such an addictive personality.. Even though I've had no nicotine for enough time for the physical craving to be gone, I can feel a mild psychological nicotine twinge, an itch that can't be scratched, and a burn of excess energy which could and has burst out in frustration over small things. I think I will except my lack of patience sometimes and how vocal my frustration is at times. These are things I can work on.

2, Walking! Since getting my i pod at Christmas I have rediscovered the very simple pleasure of walking with music. Some music demands to be stomped about to, whilst other songs bring a with them an air of nostalgia and hold a much more gentle re praise. I've been mostly on the Moor which is a wonderful sprawling stretch of grassland, normally inhabited by friendly Cow's which runs through most of Newcastle and with walking boots! Quite important with the high levels of water from thawed snow. It is both helping me on the energy front and giving me time to think and be positive about the way things are going.

And finally number 3, Bargain hunting! As a serial shopper and over consumer out of work this is a skill I have been homing for some time! My new rules: I shop for food on the day I'm going to eat it. I can only have the food items if they are significantly reduced, (half price) I can't buy any items I don't need. So no clothes then. But I did bargain hunt for tights today and got 4 pairs reduced from £5:00 a pair to 50p!!

Ah simple things. :) final thing to say is Cave Woman diet, early days, but tonight sees joint of Burnlaw beef and lots of green veg!! MMMM.

Feeling blessed with my lot.

At age 29 I am at last really trying to imprint times tables to memory. I have to pass a maths test to complete my journey of being a primary school teacher. My partner is trying to help me, he try's to make it a game and his patiently persuasion coupled with good humour is coaxing me into the language of numbers. Stu it seems loves numbers. He tells me with great passion that 5's and 12's are the best, and passionately implores me to learn the 12 times table. I guess if I'm going to teach children, I should try and develop a love of number. I wouldn't want to pass on my fear and dislike of it.

After a few hours of Maths I had lunch with two very dear friends, as it was a friends birthday. I am feeling very blessed with my lot at the moment. Its so great to have time to appreciate special people in my life again. I find the world incredible when I have time and space to be in it at my own pace. I think I am going to enjoy this process of writing, something I've always needed to do since being about 11, just to put thought down on paper, sometimes to purge myself of feelings, to dissect and understand my heart. I have reams of books, I've never been public about writing before. But I feel happy and comfortable with who I am, probably more than ever, so hey why not. I guess Blogs are the future note books. :)

We are all enough.

To remember I am enough is a life lesson I am learning.

To remember I have enough is a goal for 2011.

Enough dresses 45 and counting.

Enough time. Time to choose with and treasure, time to be me. Sister, daughter, friend, lover.

Time to work enough, play enough, rest enough. Dance enough! In Hexham with Mum. Time to be, to sing, to have the courage to tell the story of who I am with all of my heart.

Enough time to be clear and have clarity in my own head.

Time to be organised, to complete the to do lists.

Time to have a beautiful home.

Time to meditate.

Time to do Yoga, time to walk in the moors and the countryside and to really see each branch, each season rise and fall in all its simple perfection.

Time to budget, get on top of my finances and learn to drive!

How many years have I resolved this, I am already enough without driving but I am starting to learn that the best things do happen to me.